Funny People

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Justin

Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says
3,045,151 followers |

Sarah Silverman

We're all just molecules, Cutie.
2,939,538 followers |

Michael Ian Black

Magician of the heart.
1,745,036 followers |

Kevin Nealon

Accommodator/Apologist/Passive Aggressor
1,408,056 followers |

Tim Siedell

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.
588,210 followers |

rob delaney

Comedian,Writer, 6'3 217lbs
420,471 followers |

Alec Sulkin

Breaker of Swift Mustache Hairs
391,439 followers |

Rob Huebel

I give medicinal cocaine to baby animals
333,385 followers |

Paul Scheer

I'm Andre on @theleaguefx, @NTSFTrent on NTSF:SD:SUV:: & I podcast w/ How Did This Get Made @Earwolf. Also I use furniture but don't trust it.
316,495 followers |

Denis Leary

Actor. Comedian. Five time Emmy Award loser.
246,694 followers |

Andy Borowitz

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.
243,113 followers |

Not Gary Busey

I'm the patron saint of headbutts and parody accounts.
216,910 followers |

Josh Gates

Adventurer. #DestinationTruth is back on Syfy on July 10th! Follow me on Twitter, steal my ff miles, & see the world. #DestinationDinner #StealMyMiles
184,284 followers |

DRUNK HULK

REMEMBER! WHEN YOU LOOK BACK AND SEE ONE FOOTPRINTS! YOU KNOW THAT WHEN DRUNK HULK CARRY YOU! WWW.DRUNKHULK.COM!
157,807 followers |

That Shit Cray

151,048 followers |

Dan Harmon

mudmonster on shore leave
131,712 followers |

caprice crane

Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer
121,771 followers |

Christian Wheel

Radio Host & DJ. You can hear me on radio stations in Los Angeles, San Diego, and nationwide. Don't take my tweets seriously. I'm just here for a laugh.
96,713 followers |

Bob Tzu

Duhism - The Impractical Wisdumb of Bob Tzu, the long-lost American cousin of Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu
93,783 followers |

Chris D'Elia

White male. Black comic.
86,388 followers |

zzzzz....Huh What?

Retweeting the funniest tweets since 2007. A 'Best Of Twitter' list from the best @'s.
82,162 followers |

Jon Friedman

You are my density. http://favstar.fm/users/friedmanjon/most_favorited
73,857 followers |

YOU KNOW IT

hubba wubba
67,845 followers |

Alice Bradley

Blogger, writer, friend to animals. Co-author of LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES!
59,401 followers |

Sky Pie

I always catch the giggle fits. I'm not really mentally ill but it's just a habit even in serious situations. Skylarlopez.tumblr.com
41,386 followers |

Nick Nolte's Mugshot

Aw hell, sugar, I ain't affiliated with the actor Nick Nolte. I'm only a fictional entity based on his mugshot. Whatever the shit that means. (*spits*)
38,645 followers |

Josh Hara

I'm just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.
36,182 followers |

matt

twitter user
34,328 followers |

Will Sasso

I'm the actor that played the good guy's friend in that thing.
30,297 followers |

Gus

Zombies are everywhere and this is my diary of the apocalypse. http://www.youtube.com/user/manvszombies http://www.facebook.com/apocazomb
29,529 followers |

MJ

I'm in a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it. and I'm married.
29,025 followers |

Clarke Kant

I'm all for saving the world, just not necessarily the people. Now available on Witstream.com!
27,913 followers |

Kerri Kenney

This is the official Kerri Kenney Twitter page, baby.
27,589 followers |

rodney

I'm awesome and sometimes I lie.
26,873 followers |

Barracks O'Bama

Intelligent Drivel 4 The Drivelatti. Politically independent. Red Sox, pickled herring, cuss words, eclectic thoughts,'n Stuff. Spammers will be incinerated.
25,675 followers |

Ashley Long

My boomerang never does what it's suppose to do.
25,088 followers |

Miss Fuckalicious

Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.
24,498 followers |

Craig S.

McGriddle Enthusiast,Once Was Forced To Sit Through 'CATS' With Poopy Underwear. RESPECT THIS PINK TOWEL!*BEEP BOOP*
23,286 followers |

Jason X

You might call me a technology geek. I'm also the guy who's fucking your wife at work.
21,946 followers |

CJ Werleman

Author of 'God Hates You. Hate him Back' (Available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/God-Hates-Hate-Back-ebook/dp/B0037Z70H6/ )
21,692 followers |

Aunt Becky

Because Mommy Wants Vicodin sounded too suburban. President of my own fan club and @bandback2gether
19,802 followers |

Shari Vanderwerf

Stand-up comedian/writer. My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.
19,656 followers |

Jordin Silver

Radio Personality at Project 961 (atlanta) who thinks in an Australian accent
18,480 followers |

Stephanie

I was born with a tail! If I had been born in India, I would have been worshiped, instead of having it cut off and scorned as a genetic freak. J/K
18,068 followers |

Shawn Ries

Writer, Family Guy. Wide righter, life.
17,941 followers |

Jason Mustian

Hello! Do you like some things, yet dislike other things? HI! ®
17,526 followers |

Hormonella, damn it!

My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill.
15,791 followers |

Travis Bowe

Writer, Family Guy
15,573 followers |

Bill Mc7

Writer for Ladies' Home Journal and Penthouse Forum.
15,335 followers |

Richard Hoale

Face Intercourse
15,183 followers |

mitchfatel

Funniest Comedian Ever
14,737 followers |

Dr. Space Taco ESQ

I like to get drunk and say things.
14,464 followers |

lafix

Well groomed anarchist.
12,982 followers |

James Moran

Writer for film and TV - Severance, Cockneys Vs Zombies, Tower Block, and episodes of Doctor Who, Torchwood, Primeval, Spooks, and Crusoe.
12,975 followers |

★★ Adam ♛

Stern, Yet Fair.. Bodybuilding, Musician, Theoretical critic, Self-assured genius with a realistic yet encouraging perceptive on life, Confident but reserved ✔✔
12,735 followers |

SlappNuttz

I'm the guy that your Mom and Dad approved of, but you still wanted to fuck.
12,599 followers |

Alpha Mom (TM)

The one and only/ Forbes Top 10 Motherhood Gurus... awwww yeah/
12,588 followers |

Keith Blanchard

Story creative director, former Maxim editor, writer, fisherman, husband and father, dictator-for-life (pending)
12,411 followers |

Katrina Whipp

That's me in the corner. I kiss like a fish, but never cry like a lover.
11,914 followers |

Mark Campbell

Writer for hire. I tweet, so you don't have to. In fact, I tweet a lot. It's okay. I love you. But not as much as freezies. No siree. Now, boogie!
11,788 followers |

Friedrich Nietzsche

Will to power less.
11,308 followers |

Beerhaze

I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.
11,029 followers |

The Bosha

Get off my lawn.
10,849 followers |

Adam Juskewitch

Every night I steal the little gnome figurine from my neighbor's yard and replace it with a gnome that's identical but one inch taller.
10,699 followers |

Brian

I like your carpet. Is that shag? http://bdgarp.tumblr.com/
10,633 followers |

JerryThomas

Nicer than a junk yard dog.
10,419 followers |

WhyIsDaddyCrying

I'm a father, husband, runner, drinker, swimmer, obsessor of music, biker, random tripper in public, who's often caught drooling and making a fool of himself.
10,328 followers |

Emily

when i dip you dip we dip
10,223 followers |

designersays

When coworkers piss me off, I start sending them very serious work-related emails with a blank subject line. Don't fuck with me.
10,159 followers |

T Black

If my heart ever explodes into tiny pieces, this piece is yours.
10,119 followers |

Adam Isacson

I work at the Washington Office on Latin America (my views here, not theirs). Work-related stuff at @adam_wola.
9,929 followers |

Dave Ihlenfeld

Writer for Family Guy.
9,520 followers |

Susan

Welcome to my period tracker! Visit me on WitStream - http://www.witstream.com/#susan_grober
9,478 followers |

Robert the Brave

Your Mom's boyfriend. Eventually I'll offend you. http://favstar.fm/users/NowAPisces http://beeftongue.tumblr.com/post/235380403/us
9,056 followers |

tackie_jackie

Took a weird-ass turn and ended up here.
8,917 followers |

JD Crowe

A cartoonist should be obscene and not heard. http://www.facebook.com/CroweToons You can also follow me at @crowetoons
8,443 followers |

Michael Pierce

I own a Professional Sports Franchise. Don't feel intimidated though, I never think of myself as better than you just because of my Fantasy Football Team.
8,177 followers |

iamnotdiddy™

Aspiring daddy blogger.
8,121 followers |

Chris

Most days all I want is a snack. http://dropdeadchris.tumblr.com/
8,084 followers |

Sir Franklin Pauli

Martha Stewart once said, It ain't no fun, if the homies can't have none
7,927 followers |

shauna

WitStream.com member and writer for hire. Loved by my husband, animals, expletives, and gay men the world over. If you had a favorite brazen hussy, I'd be it.
7,881 followers |

Jonathan Sloan

The size of my fist is directly proportional to the object it's holding.
7,852 followers |

Ben Brooks

Comic, musician, writer, father & student. I write jokes and non-jokes. If that scares you, don't follow. http://www.witstream.com.
7,665 followers |

Candy Crisis

I do a really good impersonation of a Fugu fish crashing against a window at high speed.
7,434 followers |

Terrill Fischer

Training Consultant & Improvisor. I make Meetings & Trainings Fun & Effective. Be in the moment and share laughter.
7,407 followers |

Doctor Zaius

Just another misanthropic orangutan from the future forced to twitter by court order to learn how 'intelligent' and 'evolved' humans are
7,366 followers |

Angela Helga

I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.
7,024 followers |

Steve Huff

Created @LIFECOACHERS. Freelance writer, contributor to Observer.com & Betabeat.com. I run, sing opera & like soda. I tweet too much, don't follow me.
6,706 followers |

Amy Tucker

I am a writer. I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a gamer. I am riddled with ADD. Order changes daily.
6,679 followers |

Joe Bizness

The trick to comedy is being able to unmercifully make fun of yourself without having thoughts of suicide.
6,532 followers |

Space Wanker

I am not an astronaut.
6,390 followers |

ms. diagnosed

Mother, daughter, carnivore, social drunk, shit talker, flirt and procrastinator du jour
6,378 followers |

SCOTT LONGAS

I am a Comedian, Chef, Author...I have a Sarcastic Sense of Humor..If you follow me..Bring HOLY WATER..
6,179 followers |

suzanne

Sweet & salty with a bit of bitter & a swish of sour. A captivating tangle of contradictions, longings, complexities, & gifts--just like you.
6,094 followers |

Pauly Miller

When I grow up I want to be a carny.
5,963 followers |

Jeni Scagnetti

In the history of language the first obscenity was silence.
5,787 followers |

Matthew Dolkart

Writer and performer of turtle jokes. See also @thefakecnn
5,786 followers |

Dr. Twittenheimer

I'm not a comedic genius. I'm just a regular genius who writes brilliant jokes. Check out my new website and book! http://www.drtwittenheimer.com/
5,779 followers |

Bailey Siewert

I am very opinionated when it comes to murals.
5,598 followers |

Craig Edwards

TV Producer, VFX Artist, Photographer, Writer, Foodie, Southern Gentleman and Silly Ass in Los Angeles/Las Vegas... I tend to follow back.
5,454 followers |

Joel Ingersoll

I get up and I put on pants.
5,306 followers |

Norm

I'm fake BS principle on everything in life. I live in my head. I like card tricks. For entertainment purposes only.
5,235 followers |

Derek

I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.
5,181 followers |

Liz T. Goddess

Corporate Middle Manager by day. Domestic Goddess by night. I tweet a lot!
5,091 followers |

Jim Hamilton

Words.Myth.
5,057 followers |

David Kaa

When you dont have a job pants are like days of the week - pointless.
4,923 followers |

Quinn Katherman

Writer. Multi-Tasking Phenomenon. Hot Mess. Ninja Unicorn. http://www.witstream.com/#quinn_katherman
4,889 followers |

nice dream

i am a terrible storyteller.
4,785 followers |

LEGALIZE CANNABIS

LEGALIZE. CANNABIS. NOW. It is the MOST USED DRUG IN THE WORLD, has NEVER CAUSED A DEATH, and has MEDICAL AND COMMERCIAL USES, such as in PAPER, BUILDING & MORE
4,752 followers |

Brent Something

If this was your Twitter bio you'd be home by now.
4,731 followers |

Promoted Tweet

4,716 followers |

Al Coholic

This is a page where you can follow a guy who is trying to literally drink himself to death. Should be fun to follow.
4,674 followers |

Sexy Rexy

Heisman Trophy runner-up, Super Bowl Champion runner-up, Starting QB runner-up.
4,364 followers |

Lady of The House

I'm never safe for work. I wipe asses and take names.
4,305 followers |

Nick Alias Plemur

Cerebrity. plaidlemur[at]gmail.com
4,272 followers |

Mark

In a committed relationship. Maui is my dog, and my favorite island. Formally trained in visual arts, but also write. Always thinking and dreaming.
4,195 followers |

Jess

Retired dancer, aspiring author, new mom, all-around fucking badass. I make mischiefs and shenanigans (and babies!) with @GorillaSushi.
4,184 followers |

derekasaurus

Your capricious attention makes me feel less dead inside.
4,035 followers |

Modat

**frat-boy lewdness** -The New Yorker
4,022 followers |

Jerry Kambic

Live life with a sense of urgency because longevity is not guaranteed. Peace, Love and DMB. I am not PC, I use a Mac. Follow me I follow U.
3,820 followers |

MisterPrankster

From a bird's eye view we're all just target practice.
3,495 followers |

Kaye Talise

I don't like celery and I dress like a bee. Insomniac. Actress. Mainly working on perfecting the craft of acting sane.
3,427 followers |

bad websites

bad websites! lots!
3,426 followers |

Debby B.

I have 2 kids and a husband. What's your excuse?
3,399 followers |

Adrienne Schoenfeld

Mother Plucker jogger/blogger who chases after mother-in-law who forgets where she's running, reckless granny in electric scooter and NERF shooting attack kids.
3,234 followers |

Jacob

Debbie Gibson enthusiast. @sweet_steffy puts up with my shit.
3,227 followers |

poop finger

attn: midgets, religious folk, fatties, other weird fuckers & cops: i say mean things. there's yer disclaimer. fuckititude aplenty.
3,176 followers |

Pantse Macabre

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs, blown up for Racquel Welch.
3,141 followers |

dutch illuminati

certified chickpea whore, dirtbag historian. literally a bee. #CREWNECKyeg
3,129 followers |

Flaptain Oinkstar

Typoet Laureate
3,019 followers |

Pete Puma

Glory-hole whack-a-mole enthusiast. If you don't talk to me, don't expect a follow-back.
2,981 followers |

John

A writer from Dallas looking for a place to hang his hat. Are YOU that hat? More at TheJohnBlog.com, or listen to me at http://bit.ly/ISoundlikeamuppet
2,842 followers |

Undead Cyborg

I used to make it to the Leaderboard, if you can believe it. http://favstar.fm/users/zombot/ http://brainslush.tumblr.com
2,831 followers |

Nikka

I'm Cassanova with boobs. EOE.
2,806 followers |

Southern Insomniac

Southern gal with a quirky view on life...figured out what it's all about, but I'm still hanging around.
2,802 followers |

Jamie

Amused that you think there's something here worth reading.
2,782 followers |

*

Full of random BS & non-informative chatter.
2,778 followers |

iMelbel

Saving the world one sarcastic tweet with sprinkles on it at a time.
2,761 followers |

I am not telling

wordy thought string maker
2,706 followers |

Traci Jones Rios

Silly, fun-loving chick who adores animals and attempts to make the most out of life. Huge music fanatic, movie buff, nature lover and Auburn fan. War Eagle!
2,704 followers |

Matt D'Elia

Filmmaker Matt D'Elia. Debut feature AMERICAN ANIMAL in theaters May 18th. (Follow the film on twitter here: @AAthemovie.) More movies coming soon. I promise.
2,682 followers |

Bryan Choate

As a boorish gentleman of wit & learning, known to jape & jest at the expense of others, I wear only the finest doublets & waistcoats. Also, I enjoy ice cream.
2,667 followers |

Ann Figory

D-list celebrity pet, philosophical contrarian. Word-whore to @TheFakeCNN.
2,658 followers |

Victoria

Still riding the short bus. Laissez les bon temps rouler!
2,640 followers |

Drew Monge

Musician, part-time harlequin, method actor, freelance alcoholic, clairvoyant, friend of eunuchs, lover of concubines, yarn unraveller.
2,559 followers |

Gem

I dine. I travel. I shop. I network. I'm a little bit of this, a little bit of that and a few of those. People live vicariously through my tweets.
2,550 followers |

Ryan J John

My dad told me, 'You're such a fucking comedian.' So I got a Twitter account because that's apparently what we comedians do.
2,534 followers |

Craig

RUN! IT'S A TIGER.
2,527 followers |

richmckay

I was born, never really learned to dance properly, never got over that stage where you can freely wear capes without people questioning you, and then it's now.
2,511 followers |

John M

I've been meaning to change this; maybe tomorrow. (memo to self: include procrastination as a hobby in new bio)
2,471 followers |

@tnylgn

come back they said. tweet they said. it'll be fun they said.
2,465 followers |

Rachael Kathryn

I'm not diggin' the dancin' queen :(
2,431 followers |

Hero of Bostonia

Bravely overcoming life’s minor speed bumps in the face of mild hypoglycemia. I am the Lance Corporal of my fate.
2,367 followers |

Shmólly Schmülz

The human condition, personified.
2,317 followers |

JarfOmega

Thank you Mario, but our common decency is in another castle.
2,269 followers |

Eric Hoss

No one approves of his beard.
2,237 followers |

pierced brat ©

degradable.
2,232 followers |

Hoopla, Max

Smarter, funnier, and better looking than you. Except on the internets. And in real life.
2,223 followers |

Crab

Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate. Send me an email at google - BlueCrabsEmail
2,163 followers |

Tennie Anywon

A little Tweetin', a little convo. I'm very social,cheerful,loving. I love dark chocolate, sex, Buffaloes,Cowboys...Like to have fun & make new friends!
2,122 followers |

ihatemytv

This place smells like vomit
2,103 followers |

Julie

She was an American girl, raised on promises.
2,089 followers |

Bobby B

King of all douche bags
2,088 followers |

Steven Bonisteel

Internet idiot savant (but without the 'savant' part). LEGAL DISCLAIMER: My avatar shows *none* of my gray hairs.
1,959 followers |

Krispy Kreme

Psychotic ramblings from a functioning alcoholic.
1,934 followers |

Emily, Your Queen

Zooey Deschanel and Lindsay Lohan's lovechild. I love sparkles, hearts, happiness and vodka.
1,883 followers |

Bunk Bedfellow

purveyor of used books and poppycock.
1,850 followers |

Zino Macaluso

Wow. Your baby is really ugly.
1,840 followers |

Mr. Blobert

thinking man's tweeter
1,803 followers |

Mandy Maynard

Just a girl trying to be a wizard.
1,800 followers |

Paul Berlute-Shea

I invented the hook shot.
1,758 followers |

Patrick Kerr

Vegas showboy. One time Noel on FRASIER and the blind guy on CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. Left-handed politics. Palmer method.
1,757 followers |

obxlaw

the curmudgeon at law. Also, get off my lawn. Taxes, tags and title excluded. Your mileage may vary.
1,709 followers |

I.Eat.BRains

I am into eating raw meat , 24 Hr. fitness , BBQ's ,Light Beer,finger painting, Death Metal, The Lakers , Hookers , easy bake ovens and George Romero Flicks
1,680 followers |

Carol Thompson

1,675 followers |

David

Any other use of this telecast or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the game without DavidsAlterEgo's consent is prohibited..
1,665 followers |

Frieda Club

No kidding, your mother must be a very interesting person.
1,654 followers |

David

Will never understand what women want. What do they want? They eat green salad and drink human blood.
1,650 followers |

Susie Creamcheese

Out of the Straight Jacket. 4 Now.
1,641 followers |

Sarah

Honestly, I'm just here for the free hors d'oeuvres.
1,630 followers |

Russell Quotes ✔

These are quotes that a co-worker has actually said in casual conversation.
1,615 followers |

burro piñata

By clicking the Follow button you agree to no exchanges or returns of wasted time or faulty lulz. http://favstar.fm/users/berimbauone/recent
1,561 followers |

joey hollywood

buy me beer
1,552 followers |

Ryan Collins

President of Earth Leader of the Free Fucking World
1,531 followers |

Mrs Joshua Homme

South African living in the UK, but looking for my own island. I love rock music. And cake. And whisky. And vodka. And Nutella.
1,524 followers |

D_Zaster

To know me is to know I can't do anything in 160 characters or less.
1,522 followers |

JDT

Returning from places unknown...
1,521 followers |

Princess Buttercup

I've had it all & I've had nothing. Not necessarily in that order. | Writer | Document Examiner | Animal-lover | Foodie | Responsible | Goofball | Survivor
1,514 followers |

Deconile

Huh?
1,501 followers |

Mister El Guapo

1,495 followers |

Hoptical Illusion

I have no excuse for the way I'm about to behave.
1,494 followers |

The Other Me

These are the thoughts I want to share, but don't want people to know I have. Probably mostly about masturbation or pooping.
1,471 followers |

metaforth

Got an A in reverse psychology. I think that's an F in regular psychology.
1,471 followers |

Your Mom

coffee, bacon, butt sex, your mom, poop, gang bang. that's about it.
1,451 followers |

Amy Rangel

Photoshop enthusiast, jewelry designer and wannabe writer and sometimes I'm funny. http://www.formspring.me/AMHRangel
1,416 followers |

Phil

Father, husband, pothead, organic gardener and all around swell guy.
1,405 followers |

Gordon Eick

Editor on TV Shows. Writer n' performer on the side.
1,399 followers |

Badass_Bunny

The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. Or something like that.
1,388 followers |

JCamalari

Thrice optioned screenwriter, cigar aficionado & Ninja hiding under the cloak of poverty and obscurity.
1,366 followers |

Spunky Buddy

I sniffed your bicycle seat once.
1,339 followers |

The Ice Queen

If u believe any of the shit i write on here, then you're more stupid than you look....
1,326 followers |

24kt

Always enjoy a good laugh. I follow back.
1,310 followers |

Jenn

I like to bathe in coffee.
1,298 followers |

Cosmo

waiting for something to happen.
1,288 followers |

mephjeff

Mephistopheles Jefferson - I put the fist in sophisticated.
1,287 followers |

Magnus

May impair your ability to operate machinery. If you believe that my tweets reflects my real life, you're prolly an idiot.
1,277 followers |

Worldwide Westy

1,276 followers |

WeirdArchives

I am The One. The Only. The Alone. More on https://www.facebook.com/WeirdArchives.
1,268 followers |

Mike the Bike

Motorcyclist. Yoga fucker.
1,256 followers |

Karen

Who ARE these people?
1,252 followers |

Freakdad

Italian water drinker. With panache. I love movies more than you.
1,240 followers |

Telesticles

I am Telesticles the Bold, King of the Trundle-Vicious Angrybeasts
1,235 followers |

sammy starfish

Being an asshole means never having to say you're sorry.
1,225 followers |

Che Volay

Twittering original Tweets, Adventurer, Salacious Bonhomous Recalcitrant & Philosopher
1,220 followers |

iThumb

Whatever
1,204 followers |

Dominic Small

I am the terror that flaps in the night. Suck gas, evildoers!
1,204 followers |

No Longer Available

Humorist? Evil Twin. Twat. Said by many to be an asshole. Guilty Pleasure = Anal Faggotry. Follow me for a day or two before you ask me for a follow back.
1,193 followers |

Ophelia

schmaa
1,189 followers |

Derek

I have syrup on my finger and it smells good.
1,189 followers |

StandTrooper

programmer, screenwriter, jokester, Calgary Flames fan,veterans activist,conservative
1,186 followers |

zipzap21

I'm still working on my newest game idea. Don't tweet me about it or I might ask for your help!
1,178 followers |

Not Ethel

Snarky is used to describe speech with a specific emotional tone, a form of sarcasm informed by cheekiness and a mild, playful irreverence or impudence.
1,154 followers |

Comebackrick

Only the sarcastic survive.
1,117 followers |

Flower

Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower. Flower™. I'm pro-vegetable and I vote.
1,116 followers |

Ian Wright

Punk Rock kid all growed up.
1,094 followers |

Joseph Chen

Don't follow me! I wander a lot.
1,088 followers |

KARMASBFF

SWEET EVIL
1,061 followers |

Mitchy

I'd type a bio for you, but I'm far too busy herding all of my cats into my room for a tea party.
1,059 followers |

[adj.]

Oh, the tyranny of being a cosseted little fuck... Please note: I won't stand for jokes about onions as I once had onions.
1,057 followers |

Alex

Still not getting my facts right on the internets.
1,054 followers |

dark draggon

NSFW 18+ ONLY. In a world full of chaos, rednecks and porn there was bacon, and it was good!
1,050 followers |

Tymethief

Moving through Entropy... while testing software remotely for a company in East Tucson. http://ramblingsofanoftenabsentmind.blogspot.com/
1,022 followers |

Gabryyl Pierce

Full-time Freelance Writer. Part-time Potato warrior. I yam what I yam.
1,010 followers |

Nun_Ya

If you understand sarcasm? Climb aboard. Otherwise, fuck off!
1,002 followers |

Jeremy Cutler

It's all fun and games until I go straight nerd on a bitch.
993 followers |

simon

I have no redeeming qualities. When I sing I make a sound like someone is stamping on a cat
992 followers |

Camille

LA voyeur/ginger/queen of velour sweats, leggings (not jeggings) & shades
968 followers |

coked_up_jesus

Quite the lame ass, but lovable nonetheless. I keep my expectations low and I try to be modest. Keeps life easy.
964 followers |

Teen LaQuifa

Vigorously inconsequential!
959 followers |

mpseudo

932 followers |

I'm Your 'HIM'

I started like a miniature lizard, ended up looking like a tadpole, and BOOM! i was out, all this happened within a period of 9months. Turned out to be a jerk.
929 followers |

Glenn

I can't believe I ate the whole thong.
926 followers |

fejimanz

often out of line and overly dramatic, I have issues but yet I am a sensitive petal, incredibly lonely & cry myself to sleep. known for my glittery balls.
913 followers |

C

Bull-Fighter. Mankato grad. Mountain Biker. Full-contact nasal sprayer. Bear wrestler. Ice salesman.
904 followers |

ugly websites

887 followers |

Cookie C.

I'm awesome. Just ask me.
883 followers |

Aunti

Crazy Aunt. Idiot. Curator of awesome.
875 followers |

Nick Huston

Abalone Farmer
871 followers |

Carli Davila

The things I think.
863 followers |

Herpe McShitstain

Likes: Shitpics, Gunts, sagging balls, hairy snatches & naked pictures of your Dad.
856 followers |

Q.T.

Ever make it with a sock puppet? You'll never go back, baby!
837 followers |

Jimmy Tourettes

Hi. I'm Jimmy. I dnw to offend but I have Tourettes. Read my tweets & blog to follow my adventures in the sanatorium, etc. w/my sexy, mean nurses & @MiniMe_JT!
832 followers |

Smokey Martling

A psychopathic, blind visionary, and spiritual advisor to the Medellin Cartel.
824 followers |

Hannah

I'm probably the most smarterest model. Ever.
820 followers |

Jonas Strandell

Please don't ask me to increase the size of your logo. It's not an extension of your penis.
814 followers |

David

Inside the mind of an online alter ego...
813 followers |

Small Chick

Just a quirky girl who is trying to get her funny on.
778 followers |

DuckDimples

I'm not a leader, follower, or doormat...I do my own thing and don't really care if it's popular or not.
743 followers |

Jeff W

Medical Student | Photographer | Writer | Blogger | Laker Fan | Technophile
739 followers |

Valerie

I like bunnies and postcards and coffee and tea. @me and I'll follow back. Skype/AIM/Yahoo/Google : cuteteabunny
715 followers |

ambigfoot

An ordinary guy existing in a mediocre world....anyway, shouldn't this be an 'Autobio'?
713 followers |

Kevin

Cynical optimist.
704 followers |

Rabbit Inski

Project all your positive traits on to me here.
700 followers |

Randall Tuhchie

Usually move from town to town every couple of months.
699 followers |

Pope Jim

Look out! Here comes microwave man, and his sidekick, bastard kitten!
699 followers |

Almost Facts

I often cook tacos for dinner.
688 followers |

Caffeinicus Maximus

Gramatically enhanced for increased impressionability.
685 followers |

Lisa Y

Living in Halifax NS with my gorgeous, talented man. I like being a tourist in my own province. Research secretary, jewellery artist, yarn fiend & IAAP member
683 followers |

The Black Sheep

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything about any subject. You know you are getting the best possible information - M Scott
676 followers |

ms.mom

I'm not bitter, I'm bitchy. And not a bit sarcastic.
673 followers |

Emilie

single mom, adoptive parent, recovering Southern Baptist, blogger, Twitter addict
671 followers |

αnnα.

Blue dot in a red state, Liberal, Recovering Addict, Mother to son with Aspergers. ROLL TIDE!. #XA
670 followers |

Stephanie Alexander

Sucking at life, one day at a time.
663 followers |

General Misdemeanor

Sometimes I sit and think, sometimes I just sit.
658 followers |

Laura

stay at home mom who enjoys sideway glances and apprehensive looks
657 followers |

Eric Haakonson

Ex-con switching away from drugs & tweaking in favor of blogging and tweeting. Somewhere there's an ex-girlfriend filled with an incredible sense of regret.
643 followers |

Caleb Krause

Founder and Editor in Chief of http://alreadygorgeous.com/
634 followers |

Susanne

I used to wish for sanity but then I realized the boredom would drive me nuts.
628 followers |

PRAHBOL CAUZ

Humble Person Extraordinaire.
619 followers |

Jared

Artist, Designer, Conquistador.
611 followers |

Mr.Nacho Vidal

They call me Nacho Vidal
591 followers |

Steve

america
559 followers |

J. J. Herrick

Samurai Pie Maker and technical support guy.
558 followers |

Vanessa

Technically, I'm wrong. But intuitively, I'm always right
545 followers |

Jeff Howard

I should probably think of something clever and funny to put here so that I can mislead you into thinking that I'm interesting.
545 followers |

Cheyenna

I love beer,dudes with man fur,no pants Sunday's and Every Avenue.
544 followers |

Mohandas Gandhi

A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes. Right now, I think my stomach is full.
537 followers |

George McCanne

When life hands you lemons, move. There's plenty of oranges in Miami.
537 followers |

SnarkoBabble ♛

I'm an unrehabilitated designer shoe junkie who spouts random, pointless drivel. But every now and then? I make people gigglesnort. True story. ♥
529 followers |

Jeff Cooper

Over educated and perpetually immature. Also, a dentist.
528 followers |

Mrs. Chop

Hmmmmm.......
514 followers |

Special Boy

My momma luvs me an say ima special boy. I luv momma
501 followers |

Luscious Dick Tacoma

Special Guest Star: Vic Tayback
482 followers |

Calamity Now


462 followers |

JimsoRock

Believe half of what you see and none of what you read online. Never one to take my own advice.
460 followers |

QueenSarah2062

Music teacher, organist superhero, grad student, mom of Peace Corps volunteer and college student. Need humor for survival.
454 followers |

Aaron Stidwell

photographer - habitual line stepper
451 followers |

TranscendentNihilist

professional motivational speaker debunker.
441 followers |

Adam S.

I am an organic structure composed mostly of cells, tissues, organs, muscles, bone and copious amounts of water. Hooray! Oh, I like LEGOs and video games, too.
439 followers |

Chris M. Carroll

optimizer of websites. technical ppc nerd. comic book & science fiction fan. diabetic cyborg. working to keep the world strange. http://grumpyhawk.tumblr.com
426 followers |

Richard Mills

Narcissistic Welshman, Attention Junkie, Amateur Beer Taster. Hobbies include Stalking and over-sharing
422 followers |

Joelene Chinn

The original Twitter for Socks-that-Rock. One-of-a-Kind & Handmade Art Dolls made from Socks! Do your socks rock?
422 followers |

Missy Maynard

FULL TIME TRIPLET FULL TIME BAD ASS
421 followers |

Taraisms

Photography. Reading. Witty. Outdoorsy. Nurse. Writing. Wine and beer aficionado. Adventurous. Intellectually promiscuous. Music lover. Excessive shower taker.
406 followers |

Erica Weiner

I'm indecisive, optimistic, and I have an overactive imagination. I workout so much because I love food so much. Balance is key.
405 followers |

Jen

You are absolutely fabulous!
399 followers |

Ben OfRex

Drinking beer and doing yoga.
386 followers |

Mark G.

Professional optimist with delusions of adequacy.
380 followers |

Mz TQ

Hitting back with carp.
375 followers |

Jordan

A pretty nice guy with a catchy knack for being a real ass hole.
374 followers |

Malcolm

Six teenagers have discovered the power to fight the forces of evil. Now the fate of the universe is in their hands.
370 followers |

Mary Cockpunch

Empress of filthy non sequiturs.
361 followers |

Justin MacGregor

Freelance embalmer. http://about.me/justinmacgregor
357 followers |

Harriet Tubman

Kung Fu kickin your mom in the cunny. Then apologizing. Then as soon as she believes I'm *really* sorry, I poke her in the eye & run away laughing.
352 followers |

Danielle Landry

Formally the ramblings of an underachieving college student. Then they made me graduate. Now I make adulty decisions...like AmeriCorps...and boat shoes.
340 followers |

Catherine

Creature, lady, bot. Riddle, mystery, enigma. Drinks your milkshake. Drinks it up!
333 followers |

MrsEvilV

My evil alter ego couldn't be contained any longer but I still love pink!
326 followers |

Chip McMann

Most of my tweets are meant to be jokes. (Stars appreciated!) Occasionally I'll rant on other things.
319 followers |

xanaxgirl

Mother to one of the best porn directors in the world.
318 followers |

Mr. Magnificent

I'm just here for the bourbon. Oh, and Ke$ha jokes.
308 followers |

Yococomo

A skinny kid from the ghettos of Long Beach when producer Dr. Dre made me a star...wait, wha??
306 followers |

John the Junior

Partaking in the miracle of flight. Involuntarily born again as a duck.
287 followers |

Rachelle Betker

I'm a lover not a fighter, however, I tend to fight with my lover. I cannot cook, but I can make sweet music with a CD player.
283 followers |

frank boyd

Unemployed Socialite
275 followers |

What's in a name?

WTF are you talking about?
274 followers |

J-dawg

Ghetto Brunette.Proud Latina. Mischevious.Tender.Determined.Chess Player.Deftones Lover.Hopeful Romantic. Heart and Integrity are things I value.
271 followers |

Foolish Notion

Saying whatever comes to mind will only get you so far in life, and here I am.
269 followers |

Cody J. Peterson™

24. Beard. Movies. Music. Art. Cheese. Kittens. The C-Word. Vices. Beard again. And more kittens.
264 followers |

John Ross

Your best success is my worst blunder
257 followers |

JR Robles

Knows all the words to your favorite song.
255 followers |

Bob

Burrito aficionado. Aspiring Jedi, but mostly because I'm too lazy to change the TV without the remote.
255 followers |

Sharing Shamelessly

The simple joy of a place for my unfiltered thoughts.  Well, not completely because I'm paranoid of stalkers.
240 followers |

Claire

You can find me here 9-5, Monday-Friday.
238 followers |

Angela

Mother of Two,Wife, Domestic Diva, Lover of butter and all things cupcake. Hell Raiser and frequent smart-ass.
230 followers |

Lucky Lou

Ask me about my drinks for blowjobs program.
221 followers |

Punkrockie's Reply's

Chattier (is that a word?) version of @Punkrockie.
219 followers |

jack philosopher

216 followers |

Jake Steele

Taking a break from buying Zima off off eBay.
193 followers |

Miss Betty

I'm cooler than you. What? You wanna fight about it?
179 followers |

DanielB

If you are interested in more info, ask me. If I am interested, I will answer
175 followers |

William

173 followers |

I am Lee

touching things is fun
172 followers |

T Wicked

Writer, Director, Superhero, Animal Psychologist, Maker of Toast, Nudist, Flirt, Double Dutch Champion, Lost Little Boy.
157 followers |

Voodoo_Six

I was told I should write something here, even if I don't really give a shit.
150 followers |

Jason

my mojo so dope
149 followers |

Do_Double_GY

Just a lonely fat guy living with his dog in central Florida
143 followers |

J-man

Blah blah blah, I'm better than you, blah blah blah.
138 followers |

pemfd

The force between quarks does not diminish if separated. It would take n infinite amount of energy 2 separate 2 quarks they r forever bound.
137 followers |

ant_danielle

i like long walks on the beach and the wind in my hair...as long as it doesn't get stuck in my lip gloss. it's hard to be me.
130 followers |

Mr. Bunny

I was born next to a nuclear bomb site. That pretty much explains it all.
128 followers |

Musca Domestica

flying, eating shit, very soon will die. Follow me, but not with a flyswatter. That fucking pisses me off.
127 followers |

Dan of Steel

I design stuff. I build stuff. I write stuff. Some of it's good.
115 followers |

Jeff

Chaos, Mayhem and Destruction. Hold the Chaos. No Destruction. Light Mayhem.
94 followers |

Stochastic Process

I love what anonymity brings out in people.
85 followers |

Dan. But really Jeff

Illicit poetry, 140 characters at a time.
78 followers |

christalynn11

74 followers |

Cody Garcia

70 followers |

BebeWhite

59 followers |

Black Bacon

Daily over-heards from the cubicle wall.
59 followers |

jimmy hoffman

That picture is me and the Jewettes,circa 1995, yes, I am that fucking hot,follow me a while,I might rub off on you. thejimmyhoffman@googlemail.com
48 followers |

Ian Black

who cares?
43 followers |

Johnson Longfellow

I'm not sick and twisted, I just tweet that way.
39 followers |

naughtyboyblue

Having mapped the G-spot, I now dedicate my life's work to figuring out how to make it go.
29 followers |

fluxingreat

Out of the ashes, I return anew.
20 followers |

Christopher Jannetti

Hi I'm Chris Jannetti, if you have ever wondered what the hell I was doing, now you know
14 followers |

whymarko

where are you mr sun?
8 followers |

Curated by Amy Rangel

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Tags: funny comedy

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