Tweeps Like Me Twitter List by Knight on Listorious

Ellen DeGeneres

Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

11,447,812 followers | Follow

ashton kutcher

I make stuff, actually I make up stuff, stories mostly, collaborations of thoughts, dreams, and actions. Thats me.

10,798,068 followers | Follow

Conan O'Brien

The voice of the people. Sorry, people.

5,730,545 followers | Follow

jimmy fallon

astrophysicist

5,569,047 followers | Follow

Chelsea Handler

Comedian, TV personality and Author Chelsea Handler hosts The Chelsea Lately Show on E!

4,914,897 followers | Follow

OMG Facts

The #1 Fact Site. For more facts, follow: @OMGFactsSex @OMGFactsCelebs @OMGFactsAnimals @OMGFactsSports

4,260,076 followers | Follow

Funny Or Die

We make funny videos with famous people. Will Ferrell is our boss. We like to laugh and watch kittens do adorable people things.

3,947,208 followers | Follow

The Onion

America's Finest News Source. Follow @OnionPolitics for the latest War For The White House election coverage. Also http://facebook.com/theonion

3,805,020 followers | Follow

Stephen Colbert

3,482,473 followers | Follow

Pete Cashmore

The largest independent website dedicated to news & resources for the connected generation. Tweets from @mashable staff. Send questions/comments to @mashablehq.

2,874,514 followers | Follow

Steve Martin

I am Steve Martin, the actor, writer, comedian, and musician.In banjo touring world until September 1st. Check Stevemartin.com for tour dates.

2,694,142 followers | Follow

The Dark Lord

Running around leaving scars, collecting my jar of hearts and tearing love apart... lv7thinks@gmail.com

2,217,289 followers | Follow

Michael Ian Black

Magician of the heart.

1,745,747 followers | Follow

Jason Sweeney

limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.

1,145,833 followers | Follow

Jim Gaffigan

Husband to hot wife, father of 4, comedian, actor, writer, former sleeper Mr. Universe avail NOW at JimGaffigan.com $5

1,067,627 followers | Follow

Karl Detken ProDJ

Director @ Pioneer from 1992-2010 creating CDJ ☊ DJM etc✦ Hall Fame Inductee➤http://ow.ly/bcLF3✦ I tweet: Music+Tech+SocialMedia+Production+Tips ❥Psalms 149:3

759,530 followers | Follow

Tim Siedell

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

588,573 followers | Follow

Samuel Lemieux

Find out who is not following you back!

577,717 followers | Follow

Jean-Sébastien J.

Latest News, Twitter management tools, Tweet Translator, ASCII characters for your tweets, Videos, quotes, jokes and articles to share. http://wakooz.com

513,981 followers | Follow

Jesus Christ

Carpenter, Healer, God

487,042 followers | Follow

Jesus Christ

You know who I am. If not, google me bitches. jmchrist2012@yahoo.com (for the boobs)

477,252 followers | Follow

Funny One Liners

One liners..ReTweets..The best of the old and the new humor compiled in one place.

464,046 followers | Follow

Bill Zucker

NATIONAL RECORDING ARTIST,COMEDIAN,ACTOR,ASTRONAUT from THE KELSEY GRAMMER BILL ZUCKER COMEDY HOUR/ GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS/ DOG BOUNTY HUNTER and much more.

449,247 followers | Follow

rob delaney

Comedian,Writer, 6'3 217lbs

422,680 followers | Follow

Darth Vader

Evil Orphan Annie™

409,467 followers | Follow

Alister Cameron

Head of Digital, World Vision Australia. A passionate digital strategist for causes that really matter!

407,956 followers | Follow

Alec Sulkin

Breaker of Swift Mustache Hairs

392,430 followers | Follow

Jefferson Boggs

►Tips Quips ❀ Laughter ✽ Art ♥ #Joy ♪ Music ☼ Inspiration ✈ Travel ☄ Tech ❂ Health ✰ Hugs and ♫ Fun ♫ #Follow

366,348 followers | Follow

kelly oxford

Writer. Designed to make you feel like everything is going well. I am your Perestroika.

352,069 followers | Follow

Kevin Green

#RockTheReTweet LLC CEO, Author, Speaker, Traveler, #TwitterTips Original #quotes ღ Thanks for adding me to your Twitter lists ღ #EAv (e)MYSODOTCOM

341,498 followers | Follow

Sean Gardner

Digital Media Consultant|Contributor @SocialMediaWeek @Smedio @HuffingtonPost|Co-Creator #TwitterPowerhouses Series|Do-Gooder, Surfer!☮♥ *Tweets are my own*

326,167 followers | Follow

Fake AP Stylebook

Style tips for proper writing. contact: fakeapstylebook at gmail dot com. No submissions, please. All material copyright The Bureau Chiefs, LLC.

286,286 followers | Follow

paul steele

Enjoying the outdoors, mountains challenges. Sharing Travel, photography, and more. Travel Blogger at BaldHiker.com and VisitBritain. Contributor at HuffPost

264,070 followers | Follow

Bill Clinton

Chillin'....and you know THIS, maaaaaaaan.

260,518 followers | Follow

Dominic Riccitello

entertainment biz

249,536 followers | Follow

☜TheLikeable Asshole

RESOURCEFUL Influential Entertainment Concierge, Branding Specialist & persuasive enough 2fart & make every1 in the room believe it was U!

241,286 followers | Follow

TheBloggess

I have friends in spite of myself.

239,291 followers | Follow

#TeamFollowBack

This is the Official #TeamFollowBack Twitter Train page to help people get more followers. Follow the page and you will be apart of the train #TeamFollowBack

233,497 followers | Follow

Algernon Fross

I am retired from the US Postal Service, a former member of the USAF I serviced 5 years my greatest accomplisment is being the Doodlebug & Gregg's dad

231,571 followers | Follow

Alison Agosti

Writer. From that boring, middle-class upbringing that everyone has been talking about.

230,925 followers | Follow

Megan Amram

it's this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that's 'in' right now. - my mom

226,390 followers | Follow

Not Gary Busey

I'm the patron saint of headbutts and parody accounts.

216,537 followers | Follow

Jenny Johnson

Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. http://www.witstream.com/#jenny_johnson

207,931 followers | Follow

Paul V Harris

Survived being burned 85% of my body, Loving my life and family, inspiring people to become their best, Help people master their fears and challenges

207,907 followers | Follow

Luke Romyn

Serial smartass. Author of Amazon best sellers The Dark Path, Beyond Hades, and Blacklisted.

189,452 followers | Follow

Jeffrey Levin

Marketing Programs Manager, social media, human rights, politics and news junkie, #hrc #p2 #topprog #TeamFollowBack #tfb #TeamVirgo

178,612 followers | Follow

Adam Smith

husband to @jasminerachel. daddy to @colbiewren. i climb mountains. i make beats. i write.

166,639 followers | Follow

Bella

Just A Girl With A Dream! Obsessed Blogger,I tweet about what I love: fashion, glamour, celebrity, make-up & SHOES! Opinionated !!!

159,497 followers | Follow

Katrina Hill

Action Flick Chick reviews/interviews. Author of Action Movie Freak (Krause Pub.). MTV.com writer. G4 Next Woman of the Web. Sometimes I blog about your tweets.

138,989 followers | Follow

Meeting Boy

I hate my job.

129,792 followers | Follow

Paul Corrigan

NYC Stand Up Comedian / Comedy Writer. Follow my comedy on Sirius / XM Radio; I love to play guitar, perform Stand Up Comedy & time travel.

125,021 followers | Follow

caprice crane

Novelist/Screenwriter/TV Writer

121,873 followers | Follow

David Voth

Dedicated to promoting the benefits and enjoyment of daily sex, coffee, cigars & alcohol. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

117,531 followers | Follow

The Job Guy

I follow back. Betterjobsearch.com Dedicated to making the world a better place for all. #followfriday #ff

102,587 followers | Follow

TwiterHero

A hero is one who knows how to hang on one minute longer. Novalis..Guitar Hero, fencer, inventor,patent prof, engineer, guy w/mop bucket

100,885 followers | Follow

TedInJest

I love jokes, especially if they involve humor or wit. Movies. Music. Books. Disney. Beatles. First name's Rich. I follow back! Webmaster for Susan Gordon.

88,231 followers | Follow

Yancey Grantham

Mindful of human energy potential. Professional student of personal energy. Cheerleader for intent. Just having fun. http://Facebook.com/FansofEnergy

85,336 followers | Follow

Jordan Rubin

http://www.whosay.com/jordanrubin

84,346 followers | Follow

Ruhani Rabin

Senior Vice President of Product (Friendster Inc), Web Tech Enthusiast, Social Media Researcher and a Total fun Geek! Right!? #rr5

84,334 followers | Follow

Pauly Casillas

Inventor of the spaghetti sandwich and Zapp from Zapp & Roger.

83,350 followers | Follow

Daryl Cagle

DARYL CAGLE is msnbc.com’s cartoonist! Visit: http://cagle.com http://politicalcartoons.com http://cagle.com/app http://cartoonblog.msnbc.com

82,366 followers | Follow

Klassy Fucker

PRO Writer / Comedian / Former Toddler. I'm Klassy Fucker your new Twitter BFF. I'm a Mystery wrapped in bacon. Currently getting my @UCBTLA on.

80,919 followers | Follow

Belsh Amaroth

I'm a #Gamer and Very Social, hit me up Belsh on http://gamernights.co.uk I #follow and promote #Gamers #Games and #Game Companies #sendasmile =)

75,872 followers | Follow

Steven Winterburn

【ツ】 Will follow back! Posts quotes, facts, jokes etc. some new some old. CURRENTLY HIT FOLLOW LIMIT, PLEASE BE PATIENT 【ツ】

75,307 followers | Follow

Slashleen

I have a tattoo of a potato to represent my love of carbs. http://www.witstream.com/#kathleen_oIhurley

64,685 followers | Follow

Julieanne Smolinski

Nobody loves a good Dickens joke.

60,827 followers | Follow

Artie Johann

Writer for Family Guy. Stares at sun. Eats most objects.

58,731 followers | Follow

Blair Semenoff

1 of the Most ReTweeted Accounts on Twitter! Providing YOU 24/7 News, Random Information & Inspiration Since May 13th 2009!

58,340 followers | Follow

joeygiggles

Know lots of people, looking to network and make new friends around the country and world in different fields, staten island's Own Joeygiggles is on twitter

54,583 followers | Follow

Eli Braden

Comedy / Music ... Heard regularly on The Howard Stern Show

44,712 followers | Follow

Jocelyn Plums

Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! http://FilthyRichmond.com

39,771 followers | Follow

Amy

Social Media enthusiast, lover of all things beauty! I retweet brands, causes & love. Will work for wine or shoes. #BA75 I love @PaulBritPhoto

38,521 followers | Follow

Paul

PC Tech and consultant...Security Dude...Plus I am brightening your day with some recycled jokes...like a DJ but for jokes

36,516 followers | Follow

Josh Hara

I'm just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

36,267 followers | Follow

Jamie Capria

The average person laughs 15 times a day... that's not nearly enough. http://favstar.fm/users/MrFornicator http://twirtydozen.com/

35,335 followers | Follow

Derek Haines

Author, storyteller, Aussie and Swiss. 'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.' Douglas Adams.

34,812 followers | Follow

Adam Lisagor

Proprietor of sandwichvideo.com, youlooknicetoday.com, and adamlisagor.com. So many websites!

34,506 followers | Follow

CHEETAH POW CHICKEN

I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am. Witstream contributor, dwarf tosser and matchstick flicker.

32,766 followers | Follow

Harv Griffin – Extrusion Troubleshooter – You probably know someone who writes novels in their spare time, never getting any interest. I’m that guy.

30,123 followers | Follow

MJ

I'm in a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it. and I'm married.

29,066 followers | Follow

Niki

I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

28,839 followers | Follow

Clarke Kant

I'm all for saving the world, just not necessarily the people. Now available on Witstream.com!

27,970 followers | Follow

rodney

I'm awesome and sometimes I lie.

26,848 followers | Follow

Jack Mackenroth

Delusional, over-exposed G-lister. NSFAnyone. Generally horrid. I just slept with your dad and it was gross.

25,525 followers | Follow

Annika O'Brien

Programmer turned Roboticist. I make a lot of computer, video game & robot references.

25,298 followers | Follow

Ashley Long

My boomerang never does what it's suppose to do.

25,122 followers | Follow

Miss Fuckalicious

Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.

24,623 followers | Follow

oldfunnyjoker

We find the best videos for our youtube subscribers! 134k subs and counting!

24,532 followers | Follow

Verifried Drunk™®©

The later the tweet, the drunker I am.

23,499 followers | Follow

Craig S.

McGriddle Enthusiast,Once Was Forced To Sit Through 'CATS' With Poopy Underwear. RESPECT THIS PINK TOWEL!*BEEP BOOP*

23,345 followers | Follow

Jay Such

I'm Jay Such. I pitch/make failed tv shows. I host the amazing podcast TheSomeGuyShow on iTunes. Also @thefakecnn http://favstar.fm/users/TheSomeGuyshow

22,908 followers | Follow

donni

Comedy sandwich. Writer, riffer, fledgling opener, openly miked. Host of TwitTalkers (http://twittalkers.com). Only wrestles sea cows seasonally.

22,413 followers | Follow

Jason X

You might call me a technology geek. I'm also the guy who's fucking your wife at work.

21,938 followers | Follow

Stephanie

Once used the word dildo in a job interview. And got the job.

21,804 followers | Follow

CJ Werleman

Author of 'God Hates You. Hate him Back' (Available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/God-Hates-Hate-Back-ebook/dp/B0037Z70H6/ )

21,707 followers | Follow

Smuttercup

Because vagina.

21,316 followers | Follow

Wes Johnson

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

21,236 followers | Follow

Marcello Morello

Stand-up comedian that likes to get drunk and yell at people he doesn't know, for something they haven't done.

20,778 followers | Follow

CrankyPappy

Old, hungry, homeless, tired, stairwell-dwelling drunk. I have the aroma of pipe tobacco & despair. My 1 wish: wake up tomorrow. Tweets of a Dirty Old Man.

20,500 followers | Follow

JP the Janitor

Founder of Uncle's Day, 1st Wed. in January. Presidential candidate. Nominee, CNN Heroes Award. The Janitor formerly knows as Hadd.

19,824 followers | Follow

Aunt Becky

Because Mommy Wants Vicodin sounded too suburban. President of my own fan club and @bandback2gether

19,822 followers | Follow

Shari Vanderwerf

Stand-up comedian/writer. My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.

19,681 followers | Follow

Tricia

Jazz hands for life while still keeping it gangsta. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/EI06GB6VAIQH/ref=cm_sw_em_r_ws_UtXMpb1BGP1T7_wb

19,486 followers | Follow

Mark Leggett

You can tell a lot about a person by reading their bio.

19,408 followers | Follow

Kyle Lippert

I tweet. Therefore I ain't.

18,506 followers | Follow

Sam Grittner

I tell jokes into voice amplifiers and enjoy other non-robots. I find the best glue to sniff is any. Writer. Comedian. Actor. Dude. www.Witstream.com

18,401 followers | Follow

Anjeanette Carter

Sarcastic Sweetheart.

18,270 followers | Follow

Stephanie

I was born with a tail! If I had been born in India, I would have been worshiped, instead of having it cut off and scorned as a genetic freak. J/K

18,089 followers | Follow

Jane

I'm sorry if I offend you. For those that I don't, I will try a little harder.

17,711 followers | Follow

Jason Mustian

Hello! Do you like some things, yet dislike other things? HI! ®

17,553 followers | Follow

Pax Paxochka

Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate

16,636 followers | Follow

Noog

Dude, do you have an extra cigALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

16,538 followers | Follow

G.T. Collins

Squirrel hypnotist

16,127 followers | Follow

Hormonella, damn it!

My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill.

15,877 followers | Follow

Rob Fee

Get my #1 Comedy Album 'Grape Stomp' on iTunes RIGHT NOW. www.witstream.com

15,840 followers | Follow

David R Jennings

David is owner of Bauart Creative Services, a provider of print, broadcast, web design, e-media and photography. Sometimes he's funny.

15,813 followers | Follow

Bill Mc7

Writer for Ladies' Home Journal and Penthouse Forum.

15,637 followers | Follow

ruthakers

I had kids. So you didn't have to.

15,633 followers | Follow

Facing Africa

Facing Africa organises and funds teams of volunteer surgeons to do facial reconstruction on children whose faces have been destroyed by the disease noma.

15,091 followers | Follow

Paul Solomon

Writer, Political Reporter, Musician, Consultant

14,478 followers | Follow

Rex Huppke

A guy who writes stuff for money. Huge fan of hypocrisy. Also available on http://www.witstream.com.

14,458 followers | Follow

Will Phillips

Handsome. Unemployed. Handsome. Co-Creator of Murder Squad (murdersquad.net) Please purchase my 1981 electric ComutaCar.

13,557 followers | Follow

Aspersioncast

It's always a pleasure to meet someone with no sense of humour, then when I fuck with their head, it's unbelievably satisfying.

13,320 followers | Follow

Chopper

Yeah, I really just said that…Get over it http://favstar.fm/users/chopper4jk

13,176 followers | Follow

Belvedere & Bourbon

We drink therefore we are...drunk.

13,091 followers | Follow

lafix

Well groomed anarchist.

12,992 followers | Follow

Shane

Twitter should be an escape, not a destination.

12,963 followers | Follow

Booty Whisperer

Ruiner of things. A devil on your shoulder. All around mediocre guy.

12,901 followers | Follow

★★ Adam ♛

Stern, Yet Fair.. Bodybuilding, Musician, Theoretical critic, Self-assured genius with a realistic yet encouraging perceptive on life, Confident but reserved ✔✔

12,739 followers | Follow

Ms. Shiz

Trophy wife. Mother of the Year. I have pms. All my tweets are 100% true, idiot. (I block teenagers)

12,616 followers | Follow

SlappNuttz

I'm the guy that your Mom and Dad approved of, but you still wanted to fuck.

12,606 followers | Follow

Buck

17% funnier than someone not trying to be funny at all. http://favstar.fm/users/buck4itt http://buck4itt.tumblr.com/

12,538 followers | Follow

Dan Duvall

My uncle invented arson.

12,497 followers | Follow

david nuzzy nussbaum

Host of @DecentlyFunny.com. Producer of the SHeD show w/ @andydick & Def Wanna F w/ SNL's @tastyjeff. Podvertising sales Nuzzy@DecentlyFunny.com for info.

12,453 followers | Follow

Not Heidi Fleiss

Bios are stupid.

12,441 followers | Follow

Nick Stadler

Gay cartoonist and graphic designer. I release my bad thoughts via Tweet. It's therapeutic. Roseanne Barr once referred to me as hilarious.

12,429 followers | Follow

Puddin Warhole

passive-aggressive, stage 7 clinger, all around terrible person. I'm the reason we can't have nice things.

12,174 followers | Follow

Jordan

I've memorized the lyrics to several well known rap songs.

12,048 followers | Follow

Katrina Whipp

That's me in the corner. I kiss like a fish, but never cry like a lover.

11,919 followers | Follow

Mark Campbell

Writer for hire. I tweet, so you don't have to. In fact, I tweet a lot. It's okay. I love you. But not as much as freezies. No siree. Now, boogie!

11,800 followers | Follow

Ella or Denise

As soon as my husband starts his car I jump back in bed. I once drank a 12 pack of Stellartois at a baby shower.

11,779 followers | Follow

Señor Winces

My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

11,682 followers | Follow

wheatnik

A staggering case of narcissism gone wrong. Still filterless after all these years. 73% of my tweets are about sex. 28% are about tv. 16% are about math.

11,306 followers | Follow

Monica

If you can't play the blues you may as well hang it up...

11,259 followers | Follow

Brandon Guttermouth

slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. purveyor of dreamsicles.

11,168 followers | Follow

Beerhaze

I enjoy moccasins, beer, beaches in November, people with interesting skin disorders, beer and beer.

11,167 followers | Follow

S Diddler

Professional Stupid Bitch. Also an Author, an Asshole and an Aspiring Alliteration Aficionado. http://amzn.to/ZOPbook

11,167 followers | Follow

Hebrew Hammer

Sarcastic asshole that is hairier and jewier than you are. All the girls say that because I'm jewish that I'm cheap and have a small dick. Dead on

11,084 followers | Follow

Morty

Diversity is key,Sarcastic,Anipal lover,Backwordologgist,Greenie,Humor,Realist

11,050 followers | Follow

the_moonface

There should be a cleverly written paragraph about how unique and special I am written here.

11,028 followers | Follow

The Bosha

Get off my lawn.

10,862 followers | Follow

Emmerson McGinnis

Slutwaffle. Writer for hire. Rumored Ninja. Irish-American binge drinker with enough rage to fuel her fire & liquor to ignite her desires

10,787 followers | Follow

Adam Juskewitch

Every night I steal the little gnome figurine from my neighbor's yard and replace it with a gnome that's identical but one inch taller.

10,716 followers | Follow

Brian

I like your carpet. Is that shag? http://bdgarp.tumblr.com/

10,657 followers | Follow

JerryThomas

Nicer than a junk yard dog.

10,421 followers | Follow

Emily

when i dip you dip we dip

10,253 followers | Follow

Matt Smith

lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.

10,209 followers | Follow

designersays

When coworkers piss me off, I start sending them very serious work-related emails with a blank subject line. Don't fuck with me.

10,145 followers | Follow

T Black

If my heart ever explodes into tiny pieces, this piece is yours.

10,131 followers | Follow

Just Call Me Frank™©

Devil succubi mistresses. Queens of stabby. Alleged keepers of madness. Lunatic fans of quip. We don't follow yer fucking rules. We're us. Who the fuck are you.

10,071 followers | Follow

Big Gay Ferris Wheel

Everybody hates you. - dad http://www.youtube.com/sausagelickingclown

9,908 followers | Follow

El Conquistidor

Silly, hopeless dreamer, great sense of humor, a tad sarcastic, artistic, loves to travel, and dog gone it, tweeters like me!!!

9,889 followers | Follow

ThisBitchRightHere

Ladies, dont go after ugly rich men. Make your own money so you can fuck hot, poor guys.

9,798 followers | Follow

Space Slug

I'm beginning to question my view of myself as a people person.

9,586 followers | Follow

Mongrel Heart

Rock 'n' Roll Queen. CEO of my vagina. Instigator. John Candy's love child. One half of Fingerbang Radio with Adie and Shaan.

9,565 followers | Follow

Tammy

9,562 followers | Follow

Lifey

Just a college drop out, working the office life. Don't get all haughty though, I've seen you screw up your/you're like a dozen times.

9,523 followers | Follow

Susan

Welcome to my period tracker! Visit me on WitStream - http://www.witstream.com/#susan_grober

9,484 followers | Follow

Sly

Straightjackets required. No corners allowed. Love bouncing!

9,355 followers | Follow

Vasculitis Vixen

I hate cats. - Curiosity/ Vasculitis Awareness Advocate & on http://favstar.fm/ FOR MY SAFETY, I CAN'T FOLLOW THOSE CURRENTLY FOLLOWING THE HACKER, @BIOLOAD

9,155 followers | Follow

Robert the Brave

Your Mom's boyfriend. Eventually I'll offend you. http://favstar.fm/users/NowAPisces http://beeftongue.tumblr.com/post/235380403/us

9,084 followers | Follow

Lee

Queer Butch, Spoken Word Poet, Unusual Suspect with a minor in Thinking Guru- Sometimes I see dead people, sadly most of them are still alive.

9,054 followers | Follow

Sean

How much do I care about you? Well, I cry when I daydream about washing your hair, and I have a mini statue of you on my Atari made from cat poop.

9,003 followers | Follow

matt tice

lets make a pillow fort to fuck in

8,930 followers | Follow

Haleys_Hell

I am a delicate flower. Please don't fucking pee on my petals.

8,912 followers | Follow

ChorePush

TOOL driven. father. brother. uncle. ex-husband. above the influence. alive and breathing. learn to swim.

8,790 followers | Follow

Bad Bad Leeroy Brown

....Baddest man in the whole damn town.

8,623 followers | Follow

Steve

Sigh.

8,528 followers | Follow

The Guy

Guy, from the @DecentlyFunny with Nuzzy and The Guy™ podcast. Sometimes funny, sometimes stupid, completely vulgar, rarely profound.

8,514 followers | Follow

Fancy in Wonderland.

You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy. Instagram: JessicaFancy

8,498 followers | Follow

JD Crowe

A cartoonist should be obscene and not heard. http://www.facebook.com/CroweToons You can also follow me at @crowetoons

8,451 followers | Follow

Zachary?

I pledge allegiance to the popcorn.

8,397 followers | Follow

Mike Schism

People think i'm self centered, they are so wrong i am more like off centered. (don't follow if you're easily offended)

8,339 followers | Follow

Aaron

seal & yacht clubber

8,335 followers | Follow

Peter Sharkface

I tweet about Batman, Jesus, Chewbacca and my family, often in the same tweet, then illustrate them at http://mothrust.tumblr.com/

8,293 followers | Follow

Michael Pierce

I own a Professional Sports Franchise. Don't feel intimidated though, I never think of myself as better than you just because of my Fantasy Football Team.

8,176 followers | Follow

iamnotdiddy™

Aspiring daddy blogger.

8,115 followers | Follow

Sean Gabay

Not Patrick Duffy.

8,097 followers | Follow

Chris

Most days all I want is a snack. http://dropdeadchris.tumblr.com/

8,088 followers | Follow

Sean

Let's trade shirts.

8,069 followers | Follow

Stacy

This is my bile and where I practice the art of typos. http://favstar.fm/users/Stexcy

8,051 followers | Follow

jon

Titular pianist

7,993 followers | Follow

Jason

It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

7,971 followers | Follow

Jeffrey Brian

Not everything has to be funny

7,959 followers | Follow

shauna

WitStream.com member and writer for hire. Loved by my husband, animals, expletives, and gay men the world over. If you had a favorite brazen hussy, I'd be it.

7,891 followers | Follow

nicole.

I need a job. and a life.

7,874 followers | Follow

Cuntus Maximus

An American Psycho. Welcome to my insanity. Masochist/sub Cunt. I think my vagina needs more cowbell. Let's mate.

7,842 followers | Follow

Total HipsterDickbag

I'll make you tweet your tight little buns off. Is gay comedy still a thing (crosses fingers)? Fathers, lock up your sons!

7,832 followers | Follow

Nads Warhole

I've quelled uprisings. WICKEDNINJACUPCAKES

7,820 followers | Follow

Ben Brooks

Comic, musician, writer, father & student. I write jokes and non-jokes. If that scares you, don't follow. http://www.witstream.com.

7,696 followers | Follow

Asian Mike

I wrote a new ending for my autobiography. This time, I live.

7,687 followers | Follow

Steve Mieczkowski

I only have 26 letters to work with. Don't expect any miracles.

7,538 followers | Follow

FrauFickenDammt

TEUTONIC TWAT

7,519 followers | Follow

Justin Meow

I'm Twitter's pretty pretty princess. @FunnyNotFound is my prince. http://favstar.fm/users/CancerIsAwesome

7,509 followers | Follow

Candy Crisis

I do a really good impersonation of a Fugu fish crashing against a window at high speed.

7,462 followers | Follow

Julz Millar

A small voice in a loud choir - but I carry a big stick and they're a bunch of frock-wearing girly boys so...

7,376 followers | Follow

Uncle Mike

I was orphaned in a cabbage warehouse, where I survived on a diet of cockroaches and lighter fluid. Nowadays, I'm just your ordinary metrosexual-about-town.

7,348 followers | Follow

Mike FickenDammt

Atheist, historian, fuck, goddamn, don't DM me.

7,319 followers | Follow

Joe Schmitt

the second T is silent

7,296 followers | Follow

Goobie Doobie

Ginuwine probably didn't even have a goddamn pony.

7,240 followers | Follow

Theodora Chester

Lapsed writer, collecting distractions

7,162 followers | Follow

Bridge

Im a whack job really ... consider yourself warned =p

7,136 followers | Follow

ʞɔnɟǝɥɔnop

I am God's typo. Don't fucking follow me. I bite.

7,108 followers | Follow

Rainbow Brite

I'm gonna go to Detroit and high-five RoboCop SOOOOOOO fuckin' much. Be careful, you're about to fall in love.

7,095 followers | Follow

Rylie L.

My mom always told me that I talked and argued so much that I should be a lawyer. I decided a Twitter account was cheaper than law school.

7,045 followers | Follow

Angela Helga

I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.

7,030 followers | Follow

Will O'Fend

Ex ninja master, porn star, writer, lover, actor, I tickle crocodiles for fun, big time liar.

6,911 followers | Follow

Jazzmatazz

LA face with an Oakland booty.

6,796 followers | Follow

Shira

Improviser. Upright Citizens Brigade. Pittsburgh sports fan. Often opprobrious. More bounce to the ounce. Contributor to WitStream and @TheFakeCNN.

6,780 followers | Follow

VocabuLarry

If this had been an actual emergency, we would still play that irritating noise.

6,772 followers | Follow

Wickedwordslinger

I took my crazy neighbor's name since he doesn't do internet and won't know. I am here for the laughs and my wife @aprilsmist is my partner in crime and life.

6,749 followers | Follow

Brian

Just another black man caught up in the mix. Trying to use my 15¢ at the Dollar Tree. Finds big butts and smiles untrustworthy

6,711 followers | Follow

Erica B.

Ground pounder specializing in trash talking, beach bumming & burning toast

6,703 followers | Follow

Lori

Lip balm makes me happy.

6,632 followers | Follow

nerdamage

I tweet so you don't have to.

6,613 followers | Follow

Faizzy!

My raucous laughter beats your, 'Jokes & Humour...'

6,583 followers | Follow

Kevinito

I like liquor and whores, liquor and whores. Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna and liquor and whores.

6,552 followers | Follow

Joe Bizness

The trick to comedy is being able to unmercifully make fun of yourself without having thoughts of suicide.

6,547 followers | Follow

Stings

There's a line here.... Mostly spermacide and cocaine, but a line never the less.

6,464 followers | Follow

Space Wanker

I am not an astronaut.

6,420 followers | Follow

My name is Tim.

I'm not even that funny, go away. Instagram: @ineedaballrub

6,338 followers | Follow

Tink

Don't Feed the Faerie. I'm British and bite.

6,304 followers | Follow

Traylor Parker

The King of the Trailer Park. http://www.youtube.com/traylorparker

6,276 followers | Follow

Brian

Comfortably Numb

6,238 followers | Follow

Manish

I like everything you like.

6,234 followers | Follow

Tina Chesal

I'm a really happy person. http://tinachesal.tumblr.com/

6,168 followers | Follow

suzanne

Sweet & salty with a bit of bitter & a swish of sour. A captivating tangle of contradictions, longings, complexities, & gifts--just like you.

6,102 followers | Follow

blondediva11

I enjoy breathing.

6,101 followers | Follow

Pauly Miller

When I grow up I want to be a carny.

6,076 followers | Follow

Major Unzipped Fly

Don't worry, I'm not THAT fly, unless I need to be. Boozacon, booze and bacon is the breakfast/lunch/dinner of champs. #teambaconandtequila

5,999 followers | Follow

lollersCATEs

@Qu4rtKn33 once said: You make my vagina curdle like a rabbied monkey mouth. I'm forever changed.

5,953 followers | Follow

The Boy Wondering

Let's all have a nice cup of tea.

5,932 followers | Follow

some people call me

Dumb+Fork=Dork http://favstar.fm/users/MauriceBlitz

5,932 followers | Follow

MyPointWas

the very best of mypointwas.

5,927 followers | Follow

Shhhhh....

This is why I'm single.

5,850 followers | Follow

Dr. Twittenheimer

I'm not a comedic genius. I'm just a regular genius who writes brilliant jokes. Check out my new website and book! http://www.drtwittenheimer.com/

5,812 followers | Follow

Jeni Scagnetti

In the history of language the first obscenity was silence.

5,807 followers | Follow

Tricia's Vagina

Word to my Vag

5,789 followers | Follow

Snark Toast

Mostly charmless

5,735 followers | Follow

Ritley

When I was 11 I inadvertently hit a friend in the head with a bowling ball at church he went to the hospital I finished the game we never spoke again.

5,716 followers | Follow

Erin

5'9'' of pure awesomeness. http://portlandiagirl.tumblr.com/

5,701 followers | Follow

KikiPop

Send vodka and chocolate STAT. Then we'll talk.

5,559 followers | Follow

juicymorsel

No biting. This rule is for your protection.

5,538 followers | Follow

Mariana Rivera

When I grow up I want to do a firefighter.

5,520 followers | Follow

Pancake Paradise

In my spare time I like to ride around on a unicycle while juggling.

5,495 followers | Follow

Chris Angel

Recording artist. Singer/Songwriter. Eater of Skittles. My wife married an idiot. My name is Chris. http://ChrisAngelMusic.com

5,491 followers | Follow

J_S_N

Green and leafy like as·par·a·gus. Comedian. Writer. Into sex talk more than Sigmund Freud.

5,455 followers | Follow

Miz Jules

Word-slinger, insomniac, foodie, ur worst nightmare, autistic, opinionated queer, lover of the arts, ur biggest champion & worst critic, 4ever jonesing 4 more

5,425 followers | Follow

Andy Erikson

I'm one fourth of a siamese unicorn. :: http://favstar.fm/users/andyerikson

5,401 followers | Follow

Carlos

*Tap,Tap,Tap* Is this thing on

5,373 followers | Follow

matt

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.

5,371 followers | Follow

Craving

Subterranean zombie ... the brain's the sexiest organ we have. Lay down next to me so your entrails come out easier.

5,361 followers | Follow

Stacey the Panda

Med school, music, Dunkin Donuts management, graphic design, comedy. Fueled by MCR, coffee, sarcasm. I was a panda in my past life. Follow at your own risk.

5,348 followers | Follow

iamjenn2

I say things on the internet.

5,335 followers | Follow

Relo

I'm with the band. Recipient of the Nathaniel Hawthorne Prize for Judgmental Nature. Also, I like cookies.

5,334 followers | Follow

Adrian Woodworth

Throwing semi-colons around; like a maverick.

5,334 followers | Follow

Joel Ingersoll

I get up and I put on pants.

5,314 followers | Follow

Norm

I'm fake BS principle on everything in life. I live in my head. I like card tricks. For entertainment purposes only.

5,256 followers | Follow

Dumbassador

You're in 'Funny & Under lists' territory. See bios of @freaksong & @JEDatLarge, too. I'll catch up on followbacks, list adds, & updates soon. Thanks, JED

5,255 followers | Follow

Crazy Girl

I'll CapitaliZe whatEver Fucking letter I wAnt, You'll paint Your own Canvas & evolve. I'm 1 knOt whole & he's AwhDiddyTweets

5,241 followers | Follow

Mr. Loaf was my dad

I'm here to express my thoughts, my observations, and share jokes about your whore mother.

5,216 followers | Follow

LaurenRP

I like beer, computer games, zombie films and Bruce Springsteen. Apart from that I'm a proper girly girl. Avi by @suiz

5,182 followers | Follow

Kim

I'm not a doctor, but I think there's something wrong with you.

5,126 followers | Follow

Rachie

I'm pretty sure I enjoy breasts much much more than you do. So much so, I carry some with me at all times.

5,099 followers | Follow

Jessica

Love and broccoli is all you need.

5,067 followers | Follow

Green Like Cash

5,047 followers | Follow

Kervin Ferreira

Graphic designer. Lover of all that is cool. Expert of awesome.

4,964 followers | Follow

Dr. Thanatos

No Filter. Storyteller. Lover. Pal. Angel of Death. Registered fecalpheliac. Time travel Enthusiast. Random Stuff, Random Guy. Fun Times! Also, I like stuffs.

4,942 followers | Follow

David Kaa

When you dont have a job pants are like days of the week - pointless.

4,931 followers | Follow

TJ

grew up on an island. not a writer or comedian.

4,900 followers | Follow

DadNeedsADrink

Experiences and observations of a husband of one, father of two, builder of sand castles, and ninja for hire. Providing birth control via Twitter.

4,847 followers | Follow

Kim Shannon

F-Bomb dropping poker player. Dog lover/kid hater. Writer/humorist. Followed by Doyle Brunson. Perpetually manic & giving sleep the finger. I shit glamour.

4,801 followers | Follow

Pixel Piper

Morally obtuse, she-nerd, iphone app developer with cynical tendencies...always had that pithy non sequitur thing going on.

4,784 followers | Follow

Sabrina

I carry a magnum condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper, some day my prince will come. http://favstar.fm/users/ragekat

4,740 followers | Follow

Veronica

I'm a legend to last a lunchtime.

4,739 followers | Follow

Brent Something

If this was your Twitter bio you'd be home by now.

4,732 followers | Follow

Sweet P

the xrated version of @patrishhhha plus member of the almighty #TeamPrettyVag

4,676 followers | Follow

Failing@Life

I don't fail. I just have problems succeeding. Your favorite twitterer's favorite person to steal tweets from

4,617 followers | Follow

cfishing

Pink, it's what's for dinner. Current project, Wind Pissers Guide To Dominance.

4,592 followers | Follow

GetUrOwnCoffee

I hate cooking. I'm a fucking genius.

4,581 followers | Follow

¢armel d ¢oleman

tweet, tweet.

4,541 followers | Follow

D. McBaggus

I enjoy holding hands and long wanks on the beach...

4,528 followers | Follow

sara

Spent two hours coming up with this bio. It's the best work I've done all week.

4,515 followers | Follow

Nick Naylor

Southern guy in the desert. Created #boozeporn & #drunkbfastclub. Veni, Vidi, Whiskey. Maybe I drink too much. Have been told I'm Trouble. No Vagwhinas.

4,480 followers | Follow

David Klein

Been known to write a little. Likes tacos. My best friend is my pet dinosaur.

4,460 followers | Follow

Greg

The teeth on my keys all face the same direction on my key ring. Because I'm anal. I also enjoy love songs.

4,427 followers | Follow

Uncle John

I'm the Uncle that asked you to pull my finger.

4,406 followers | Follow

Nick Toplass

I fell 5 stories once. Residual effects? Just cynicism, sarcastic tendencies, a delusional superiority complex, & an abnormal fear of balconies. Nothing major

4,365 followers | Follow

randomisms

Apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

4,315 followers | Follow

Mark

In a committed relationship. Maui is my dog, and my favorite island. Formally trained in visual arts, but also write. Always thinking and dreaming.

4,197 followers | Follow

Rock God

Rock God, Chess Piece, and Butt Plug. I am the Holy Trinity of Twitter.

4,145 followers | Follow

derekasaurus

Your capricious attention makes me feel less dead inside.

4,032 followers | Follow

Modat

**frat-boy lewdness** -The New Yorker

4,022 followers | Follow

ben parrish

Ninja, Wizard and Writer

4,018 followers | Follow

BS

I just saw a racist eating a mixed berry yogurt. What a liar.

4,010 followers | Follow

Superhero & 00Negro

EMPLOYED and bored at work by day. father/writer/superhero/ninja/director by night. Lives by Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champ.

4,007 followers | Follow

Scarlett Fever

Music video junkie who adores great kids, particularly mine. Collecting friends who rock, get me, or otherwise fascinate.

3,916 followers | Follow

Dave

Anointed in the Gum of St. Xanthan. Faster. Stronger. Thicker. (Note: Views posted here are my own and have nothing to do with where I work.)

3,888 followers | Follow

George

I saved a kid from drowning once.

3,882 followers | Follow

Doodyhead

Non PC drunk tickilish sexual deviant (spanker) and omnivore. Ex-Soldier. I'm more of a nipple guy than a boob guy, although they kinda go together.

3,878 followers | Follow

This Charming Man

After all these years, my wife still calls me charming. She just says it with more sarcasm and disdain now.

3,849 followers | Follow

TorTurous

If you're reading this, you're about to make a grave error in judgement. http://favstar.fm/users/ShortWhiteNUgly http://audioboo.fm/ShortWhiteNUgly

3,816 followers | Follow

Feel the Steel

Partner at Fuch, Hoff & Dye, Attorneys at Law

3,811 followers | Follow

grape soduh

Former flavor fave of the Favstar pope man & notorious buncher of the holy panties. The greatest banned can of all time. Welcome to the Grape Soduh machine.

3,800 followers | Follow

Jason

I love sarcasm & stand-up comedy. George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, Bill Hicks & Greg Giraldo are a few of my comedic heroes.

3,787 followers | Follow

joy plaza

my only regret in life is the amount of time i've wasted gently blowing on hot soup.

3,776 followers | Follow

Wendina

TMI ALERT! DISROBE AND ENTER DECONTAMINATION BAY! http://barenakedbones.wordpress.com http://weakgreentea.wordpress.com http://barenakedbones.blogspot.com

3,765 followers | Follow

freckle face

the following was based on a true story. no actual feelings were hurt in the writing of that tweet.

3,713 followers | Follow

Pedro

I hope you guys didn't get any paper cuts while I was out getting shot and stabbed.

3,679 followers | Follow

Becca

I'm not a comedian. Yet. But the fact that my family hates me is a good start.

3,658 followers | Follow

Jenna Shameson

I muse a lot about nothing and I know a lot about music. I used to have hopes and dreams. I traded them in for children.

3,654 followers | Follow

A Guy Named Kelly

Apathy activist and connoisseur of exotic mustards. The dog does all the writing.

3,623 followers | Follow

Mudder Fucker

I'm Stoned, Full of Shit and I Half to Pee. My lady is 1knotwhole. Talk to me for follow back

3,602 followers | Follow

CJ Roberts

I am a Writer, a Magician, a Strategist of Social Intelligence, a Neuromancer, a Photographer, a Zen Idealist and the Ghost of the Dark Muse Ministry.

3,590 followers | Follow

i used to be a pet

i still like to lick

3,590 followers | Follow

Alex

You think you saw me licking the salt out of the inside of a bag of potato chips? Okay, that might have been me

3,583 followers | Follow

Bill Sleazy

clinically whatever

3,575 followers | Follow

phildo

everybody gets tired of me.

3,538 followers | Follow

MisterPrankster

From a bird's eye view we're all just target practice.

3,505 followers | Follow

Pixie

Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, fuck it.

3,495 followers | Follow

Mr. Sugarpants

Just your average Slumlord.

3,460 followers | Follow

Kevin

23/M/Correctional Institution

3,454 followers | Follow

snicky

♋

3,447 followers | Follow

Mo

Leave the gun, take me. And the baby T-Rex I bought in Tijuana.

3,408 followers | Follow

Stephen

This stream of consciousness has been brought to you by heavy doses of RedBull, Starbucks and sarcasm from The Chosen people.

3,397 followers | Follow

Peter

If you believe any of this you're probably in the wrong Facebook.

3,388 followers | Follow

SleepCyn

Twitter is where I keep all my secrets. And by secrets, I mean lies. And subtle condescension. And self-deception. And cunt jokes. I also love bathrobes.

3,341 followers | Follow

Princess.Cum.Bubbles

Luvs reading, walks in the park, crocheting, and I'm an astronaut.

3,299 followers | Follow

haurdCider

I could have sworn I had an attic.

3,280 followers | Follow

Corey Hinds

I like to say stuff.

3,278 followers | Follow

Ellice

Unicorn Trainer. Rocketship Builder. Idiot Annoyer. Douchebag Extraordinaire

3,220 followers | Follow

Brian Matthews

Just some guy from Canada eh.

3,210 followers | Follow

Bouche Dag

Just a guy with some F'*$d up thoughts trying to make it through the days without jumping

3,204 followers | Follow

Beth Luxury-Yacht

Twenty8. Originally from Tennessee now living in England. I gave my mom a 4th degree tear when I came out.

3,192 followers | Follow

Mick Farrell

I played Tony's left moob in season 3 of The Sopranos.

3,188 followers | Follow

KMJ

The planet is fine... It's the people that are fucked! - George Carlin

3,161 followers | Follow

dutch illuminati

certified chickpea whore, dirtbag historian. literally a bee. #CREWNECKyeg

3,135 followers | Follow

Bobby McGee

I'm not really into hugs unless it's with your legs.

3,126 followers | Follow

Viley Virus

I am a man trapped inside the body of a female demon & one day if you're lucky I will be inside of you- WORSHIP ME!

3,119 followers | Follow

BedheadBunny

I'm a shy and delicate flower, bitches.

3,111 followers | Follow

Pinky

Don't be offended if I call you Hon, Hon ~ and you may tie them in pretty bows, but don't fucking step on my ribbons. http://favstar.fm/users/HerPinkRibbons

3,109 followers | Follow

Mr. El Matador

You had me at: I'm calling the police.

3,088 followers | Follow

Josh

If anyone wants to come by later and talk about how 1 is the loneliest number I'm free pretty much all day.

3,077 followers | Follow

Clay

Ziggy Stardust impersonator. Will play funerals, corporate events, bar/bat mitzvahs.

3,047 followers | Follow

Mary

Do I ever cross your mind? All hope abandon ye who enter here. Deathly allergic to tedious and common.

3,040 followers | Follow

FredasaurusRex

fucking your life up 140 characters at a time.

3,028 followers | Follow

Flaptain Oinkstar

Typoet Laureate

3,020 followers | Follow

Kim

Used to have a life, now I just have kids . . . FYI: Calling me Snarky rather than Bitchy doesn't make me wish that you'd go fuck yourself any less

3,010 followers | Follow

Madame LaCrooz

Living La Dolce Vita, except in color.

2,953 followers | Follow

ex karma

nurse, mother, & all-around dipshit.

2,903 followers | Follow

TO33IE

My mind is in the gutter; clutching a copy of the Urban Dictionary... Just don't mess with @TheRetroKisser_...

2,900 followers | Follow

Ska Cat

Professional Make-up artist. Amateur Bullshitter.

2,900 followers | Follow

Pervy Princess

Self-fulfilling prophet; line crosser; attention-whore (minus the attention); Freudian-slip artist; impulsive bad decision maker; & all-around bad influence...

2,862 followers | Follow

Undead Cyborg

I used to make it to the Leaderboard, if you can believe it. http://favstar.fm/users/zombot/ http://brainslush.tumblr.com

2,834 followers | Follow

Southern Insomniac

Southern gal with a quirky view on life...figured out what it's all about, but I'm still hanging around.

2,821 followers | Follow

Jimmy Snow

Hey! Don't follow if under 18 or easily offended!

2,796 followers | Follow

designertalks

I can say whatever I want here and not have to worry about over-tweeting. @designersays is my primary account.

2,786 followers | Follow

Jamie

Amused that you think there's something here worth reading.

2,782 followers | Follow

Havana Hilary

Hazard

2,768 followers | Follow

iMelbel

Saving the world one sarcastic tweet with sprinkles on it at a time.

2,765 followers | Follow

Pam

You want a bio? Just keep reading.

2,754 followers | Follow

Glenyrd Skynyrd

Everything you like is stupid and that's why I made a Twitter.

2,742 followers | Follow

Vincent Vasectomy

Shouting out inappropriate shit enriching lives. Enjoys riots and snorting ants. I suffer from acephalia My tumblr @ http://mentalvasectomy.com

2,708 followers | Follow

Nikolas

Comedian, Writer, also appears as a Printer, not a HP Laser, mind, think larger, then much, much larger.

2,707 followers | Follow

AngelLJ

I'm a sarcastic bitch. I have a filthy mind. And I have great boobs. What's not to love? Oh and I cook.

2,706 followers | Follow

Chipster

My sleep number is vodka.

2,682 followers | Follow

Douche Masterflex

Weed.

2,668 followers | Follow

Victoria

Still riding the short bus. Laissez les bon temps rouler!

2,664 followers | Follow

John Deaux

Nobel Peace Prize laureate, classically trained harmonicist, hot air balloon pilot, pathological liar

2,624 followers | Follow

Kel Focker

Married to the totally sick @gefocker! If ya don't like words like cunt slut whore fuck cunt cunt slut cunt! DO NOT follow!

2,600 followers | Follow

Drew Monge

Musician, part-time harlequin, method actor, freelance alcoholic, clairvoyant, friend of eunuchs, lover of concubines, yarn unraveller.

2,565 followers | Follow

Gem

I dine. I travel. I shop. I network. I'm a little bit of this, a little bit of that and a few of those. People live vicariously through my tweets.

2,557 followers | Follow

Ryan J John

My dad told me, 'You're such a fucking comedian.' So I got a Twitter account because that's apparently what we comedians do.

2,531 followers | Follow

richmckay

I was born, never really learned to dance properly, never got over that stage where you can freely wear capes without people questioning you, and then it's now.

2,507 followers | Follow

John M

I've been meaning to change this; maybe tomorrow. (memo to self: include procrastination as a hobby in new bio)

2,474 followers | Follow

Steve Tweeters

Neurotic. Also, father of 5. Also, have ADD. While we're being honest, kind of an alcoholic also.

2,472 followers | Follow

@tnylgn

come back they said. tweet they said. it'll be fun they said.

2,466 followers | Follow

M. Chad Durham

Frustrated Writer, Loving Husband, Struggling Parent, Apathetic Cubiclean, Amateur Comedian. Find The PG13 Bull at http://www.facebook/mchaddurham

2,441 followers | Follow

Dread God

How's my subtle double chin covering skills????

2,425 followers | Follow

Max Lorenz

Like you'd be interested if I told you how dull I was....Just take it and love it.

2,422 followers | Follow

technopriest5

I clearly left my self esteem in my other pants.

2,370 followers | Follow

Hero of Bostonia

Bravely overcoming life’s minor speed bumps in the face of mild hypoglycemia. I am the Lance Corporal of my fate.

2,369 followers | Follow

Terrence of Arabia

Just trying to figure out a way all the voices in my head can sing together on key. Occasionally they write shit down, and I try to sell it.

2,342 followers | Follow

deb

Xtra tiny

2,327 followers | Follow

omgwtfever

Follow me now so you can say you knew me when...seriously, what are you waiting for? Click click people. Time's a wastin'! #NSFW

2,320 followers | Follow

Myke

Poo flinger, rap singer and recording fartist.

2,293 followers | Follow

Pamela

rambling 30 something optimist..spreading light and love..not her legs..so don't ask!

2,280 followers | Follow

Sir Kelleth

record store jerk.

2,270 followers | Follow

Jon

Viking, marauder, vagabond slayer.

2,269 followers | Follow

S. Anthony Thomas

Comedian. Work in perpetual progress.

2,267 followers | Follow

Toya

If you would like to buy the girl in my avatar a drink, please get in line.

2,259 followers | Follow

CAPS LOCKED MOFO

Got a Beautiful Wife & Daughter, Good job, Great family, Cool friends, Live in a Peaceful Country with NO ARMY Either God Loves Me or I owe the Devil my Soul!

2,237 followers | Follow

Madelene

Editor in chief, investigative reporter. I mix fun and news. Star of parallel parking.

2,156 followers | Follow

Max Powers

Professional mime hunter. Illiteratish. Cake enthusiast. All-around drain on modern society. (If following you back is important, give me a reason.)

2,145 followers | Follow

Liz, Queen of Cheese

Hi, I'm a solipsist. Pleased to meet me.

2,141 followers | Follow

ihatemytv

This place smells like vomit

2,107 followers | Follow

Sandra Enns-Arnell

Don't worry, I'm a professional.

2,105 followers | Follow

Wynne McLaughlin

Sr. Designer, Star Wars: The Old Republic - When I was a kid, I hated puns. I think I've groan.

2,092 followers | Follow

Bado

Lifelong goal: Get on Wheel of Fortune, spin the wheel, and tell Pat Sajak that I'll take a P

2,088 followers | Follow

Kory Ford

I enjoy cardigans, bird watching, buffets, Tony Bennet, cribbage, tennis, the 1940's, bowties and I appreciate comfortable shoes.

2,082 followers | Follow

Benn Fucking Tastic

Fuck like you need money. Stalk like they're already falling in love with you. You're welcome.

2,079 followers | Follow

J

Lipgloss junkie. I think my boyfriend speaks English, but I still can't understand him.

2,026 followers | Follow

Jason

I AM ROCK AND ROLL

2,024 followers | Follow

Lori

I'm just your average, ordinary girl.

2,021 followers | Follow

Drinky Liversore

A humble expert on time travel and crotch anger.

2,001 followers | Follow

Arthur Slugworth

President of Slugworth Chocolates Incorporated

2,000 followers | Follow

six gallon pie

Creator of son @JackBeamer & @GibbyBot2012. Vox/gtr for @Bedforever. Writer of @AnimatedTVBlog. Husband of @DeliciousMammy. Occasional fucking filth-not advised

1,972 followers | Follow

amuirin

chortling moonbat

1,959 followers | Follow

Krispy Kreme

Psychotic ramblings from a functioning alcoholic.

1,940 followers | Follow

Cecelia

From the foreign country of whatever the fuck you want you get.

1,909 followers | Follow

Ryan

If I had another brain it would be lonely.

1,885 followers | Follow

VirgoSherry

It's just me

1,873 followers | Follow

Assi

I'll go straight for Superman. I shit like 10x a day.

1,868 followers | Follow

Parasite Hilton

Lord of idiots.

1,860 followers | Follow

Numa

My spirit animal is Animal from the Muppets!.

1,854 followers | Follow

AssTacular

I say shit here. Some of you read it. The rest of you can suck my spork.

1,826 followers | Follow

Zen Bubba

I don't have time to watch our friendship bloom, can we just fast forward to the place where I can borrow your car?

1,773 followers | Follow

Patrick Kerr

Vegas showboy. One time Noel on FRASIER and the blind guy on CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. Left-handed politics. Palmer method.

1,758 followers | Follow

Jim

Writer, thinker, pretty much enjoys airports strip searches, can't wait for his next prostate exam, honest bullshitter, writes books and feeds them to goats

1,748 followers | Follow

Mickey Bruce

...established Nov 25, 2010

1,730 followers | Follow

Denice

Go read the website. 160 characters, ha!

1,713 followers | Follow

Heidi

SUCK IT UP

1,676 followers | Follow

madshrinkage

im an idiot by design, or heredity. i make a living selling potato chips

1,676 followers | Follow

David

Any other use of this telecast or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the game without DavidsAlterEgo's consent is prohibited..

1,665 followers | Follow

Word Nonsense

I write because they took my fire away... If you lower your expectations (a lot) I seem funny and maybe even awesome.

1,664 followers | Follow

Orpheus Descending

#Underwhelmed by my own #apathy

1,661 followers | Follow

Steve

Self-proclaimed SkeeBall champion. These tweets have not been evaluated by the FDA for safety, effectiveness, or purity.

1,655 followers | Follow

Frieda Club

No kidding, your mother must be a very interesting person.

1,655 followers | Follow

David

Will never understand what women want. What do they want? They eat green salad and drink human blood.

1,652 followers | Follow

Susie Creamcheese

Out of the Straight Jacket. 4 Now.

1,639 followers | Follow

The Real JazzyJeffro

Living 2 houses down from severe depression in a cozy place I like to call Mourning Wood Manor. The stoner side of @Donkeyramp

1,581 followers | Follow

Nobody you know

Sarcastic overweight broke emotionally unavailable single mom of two boys or witty zaftig livin'on love independent single mom of two boys. Perception :-)

1,546 followers | Follow

ADLT

Leader of men, talker of words. I can't promise you'll like me but I can almost guarantee the opposite

1,541 followers | Follow

Not Silvestri

I am the President of the United States of America. I hope this bio gets me blacklisted.

1,529 followers | Follow

Bean

Just a girl. Yes, I know my shoe is untied.

1,501 followers | Follow

Mister El Guapo

1,499 followers | Follow

R

it's alright, baby's coming back

1,487 followers | Follow

Meyechael

If I told you about myself, there's no chance in hell you'd follow me so just do it blindly.

1,485 followers | Follow

Johnny Hardass

Professional bunyip detailer and feral chainsaw trapper. Substitute fool pitier and ace tricycle mechanic. Epic tool.

1,476 followers | Follow

The Other Me

These are the thoughts I want to share, but don't want people to know I have. Probably mostly about masturbation or pooping.

1,473 followers | Follow

Dear No One

I'm fucking bananas, like desperate woman.

1,456 followers | Follow

Ninja Nate

I'm kinda a big deal

1,419 followers | Follow

the_bat

-Verified Checkmark — Poet with pistols. Asserbic wit & a quick draw. Lazy-faire capitalist. Semi-retired theorectal fizzycyst, arkeeologist, and fotograffer.

1,418 followers | Follow

D. Parker

Just sittin' in the bushes, reading your tweets. Hoping to be allowed back in the house one day.

1,416 followers | Follow

Robbo

I am a difficult sort of person.

1,407 followers | Follow

DirtyBlaxican

THAT'S RACIST!

1,400 followers | Follow

Candace K

I'm the best Trophy Wife my Hubs has ever had and I'm extremely Mommylicious.

1,392 followers | Follow

Badass_Bunny

The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. Or something like that.

1,391 followers | Follow

Mac Encheeze

I'm your typical Rednexican in that I like God, guns, gangster rap and outlaw country music.

1,384 followers | Follow

Hellbound Heathen

Thou shalt not speak satirically!

1,381 followers | Follow

The Ice Queen

If u believe any of the shit i write on here, then you're more stupid than you look....

1,325 followers | Follow

Bob Sacamano

4th grade spelling bee champian

1,301 followers | Follow

Cosmo

waiting for something to happen.

1,289 followers | Follow

Worldwide Westy

1,288 followers | Follow

Magnus

May impair your ability to operate machinery. If you believe that my tweets reflects my real life, you're prolly an idiot.

1,278 followers | Follow

Rick

Lover of hockey, classic rock & 'real metal.' (not that death screaming crap) Rebel. Twitter black sheep. Favstar outcast. http://favstar.fm/users/Capsaholic

1,265 followers | Follow

Mike the Bike

Motorcyclist. Yoga fucker.

1,262 followers | Follow

Stoke

Just waitin' for the meds to kick in....

1,253 followers | Follow

Desperate Loser

Not only am I the president of LAG (Loser Advocacy Group) I'm a member... the only member, but whatever. I'm here for you. Not really, don't call me.

1,248 followers | Follow

Paul Sharp

I once owned a pair of trainers that lasted 11 years before falling apart, so don't talk to me about commitment.

1,243 followers | Follow

The Real Theodore

Hobbies: Mel Gibson, pedophilia, hate crimes, Spencer Pratt, having chlamydia, and Rosie O'Donnell. Just Kidding. I don't have chlamydia.

1,208 followers | Follow

MaximusXXX™®

* Janis Joplin is my Idol. Whatever!

1,172 followers | Follow

paul shinn

lover of code, sweets, and wanderlust. wields oven mitts and keyboard shortcuts. perpetual cavalcade of randomness. coconut.

1,156 followers | Follow

foodandwhining

I eat, I cook, I have a cocktail now and then, and if I think of something clever, I write about it. Actually, I write even if it's not clever.

1,142 followers | Follow

Scooter-B

Left-leaning parody account for bashing universal idiots, mindless political sheep, creepy celebrities, and the media spinners. 18+ please. Still with me?

1,101 followers | Follow

Alex

Still not getting my facts right on the internets.

1,054 followers | Follow

Charles D.

The missing Link. Ego canis malus.

1,040 followers | Follow

Tony

I can spell broccoli but I won't eat it. I was third in a Scalextric competition once. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.

1,022 followers | Follow

Ratthew Vrill

Potential black person. @MissyerThanYou lover/fucker http://matthewdill.tumblr.com/

1,019 followers | Follow

Tricky (tricky)

I work midnights in America. I delete @ replies. I used to be @WittyDick. I don't talk much on weekends. I like the word banana. That about sums things up.

1,010 followers | Follow