Amusing Jackasses
Stephen Colbert
3,502,592 followers | Follow
RainnWilson
I am an actor and a writer and I co-created SoulPancake and my son, Walter.3,039,716 followers | Follow
Steve Martin
I am Steve Martin, the actor, writer, comedian, and musician.In banjo touring world until September 1st. Check Stevemartin.com for tour dates.2,708,636 followers | Follow
Jason Sweeney
limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.1,145,644 followers | Follow
Michele Catalano
I write about hockey (and other sports) here: http://americanmccarver.com Long Island. Freelance writer looking for work.938,576 followers | Follow
Patton Oswalt
Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.741,797 followers | Follow
Tim Siedell
Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.589,529 followers | Follow
kelly oxford
Writer. Designed to make you feel like everything is going well. I am your Perestroika.354,058 followers | Follow
Fake AP Stylebook
Style tips for proper writing. contact: fakeapstylebook at gmail dot com. No submissions, please. All material copyright The Bureau Chiefs, LLC.287,296 followers | Follow
Alison Agosti
Writer. From that boring, middle-class upbringing that everyone has been talking about.230,788 followers | Follow
Megan Amram
it's this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that's 'in' right now. - my mom227,653 followers | Follow
Jenny Johnson
Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. http://www.witstream.com/#jenny_johnson209,723 followers | Follow
That Shit Cray
151,032 followers | Follow
Jelisa Castrodale
Writer for NBCSports.com, one-time Jeopardy! winner, over-caffeinated marathoner. I smell like pears.64,657 followers | Follow
Amy Jane Gruber
You can't resist her, she's in your bones. She is your marrow, and your ride home.58,686 followers | Follow
Mary Charlene
My name is Mary Charlene and it has been 3 days since my last yeast infection.51,852 followers | Follow
Lucky Shirt
Creator, writer, director, and producer of descriptions of myself.37,328 followers | Follow
Adam Lisagor
Proprietor of sandwichvideo.com, youlooknicetoday.com, and adamlisagor.com. So many websites!34,544 followers | Follow
CHEETAH POW CHICKEN
I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am. Witstream contributor, dwarf tosser and matchstick flicker.32,750 followers | Follow
Mike Monteiro
This is a personal account and does not reflect the opinions of my boss, who is an asshole.30,389 followers | Follow
Julia Segal
Writer for TV and Nutella Connoisseur. http://amzn.com/081187760429,063 followers | Follow
Brooke Alvarez
Watch the undisputed world news leader and host of FactZone on #OnionNewsNetwork Season 2 on @IFCtv now FRIDAYS 10/9c.23,509 followers | Follow
CJ Werleman
Author of 'God Hates You. Hate him Back' (Available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/God-Hates-Hate-Back-ebook/dp/B0037Z70H6/ )21,736 followers | Follow
Squirt Russell
Smut writer & alien astronaut theorist. I like booze, John Candy & breakfast.21,580 followers | Follow
Shari Vanderwerf
Stand-up comedian/writer. My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.19,749 followers | Follow
Kristy Grant
Writer for Anger Management. I'm shy! (giggles & runs behind curtain to hide; falls out window to death)19,056 followers | Follow
Sam Grittner
I tell jokes into voice amplifiers and enjoy other non-robots. I find the best glue to sniff is any. Writer. Comedian. Actor. Dude. www.Witstream.com18,451 followers | Follow
Jason Mustian
Hello! Do you like some things, yet dislike other things? HI! ®17,589 followers | Follow
Mike Leffingwell
I am a mule mule. I illegally transport mules across borders by hiding them inside of me.14,756 followers | Follow
Rex Huppke
A guy who writes stuff for money. Huge fan of hypocrisy. Also available on http://www.witstream.com.14,511 followers | Follow
Sputnik Sweetheart
I mostly complain, write a lot, talk about vaginas and run. Not to make you fall in love with me but I probably don't have AIDS.13,070 followers | Follow
Eric Eric Martin
2008 Beer Olympics 5th place finisher. Studious Bison featured contributor. Screenwriting student. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3412073/?licb=0.949204943327885312,875 followers | Follow
Fake e-Etiquette
Daily tips for proper internet conduct. Your etiquette questions answered. E-mail: FakeeEtiquette at gmail dot com12,812 followers | Follow
Gerry Duggan
Father, husband & writer of comedy, TV/film & comics. The new one is here: http://www.amazon.com/Infinite-Horizon-Gerry-Duggan/dp/158240972212,534 followers | Follow
Brandon Guttermouth
slayer enthusiast. fang baring feral unicorn. dong merchant. auto didactic sycophant. reverse kegel instructor. purveyor of dreamsicles.11,168 followers | Follow
Top Conservative Cat
I was never a Reagan Democrat-- I've always been a Colbert Conservative. (formerly @theTCAT)11,108 followers | Follow
Adam Juskewitch
Every night I steal the little gnome figurine from my neighbor's yard and replace it with a gnome that's identical but one inch taller.10,728 followers | Follow
Big Gay Ferris Wheel
Everybody hates you. - dad http://www.youtube.com/sausagelickingclown10,041 followers | Follow
Adam Isacson
I work at the Washington Office on Latin America (my views here, not theirs). Work-related stuff at @adam_wola.9,955 followers | Follow
ThisBitchRightHere
Ladies, dont go after ugly rich men. Make your own money so you can fuck hot, poor guys.9,784 followers | Follow
Aparna Nancherla
I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others.9,506 followers | Follow
Josh Hopkins
father. husband. programmer. web designer. artist. geek. thinker. doer. founder of 40horse.com.9,434 followers | Follow
Avery Edison
Writer and comedian. No relation to the lightbulb guy. Used to be really good at math. a@averyedison.com9,291 followers | Follow
Robert the Brave
I'm not a comedian or a writer and I don't play one on Twitter. http://favstar.fm/users/NowAPisces http://beeftongue.tumblr.com/post/235380403/us9,093 followers | Follow
Sarrah Palin
Spin it, 'til you win it! 2012! I'm a fierce grizzly baby mama! Grrr, wink!8,776 followers | Follow
Fancy in Wonderland.
You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy. Instagram: JessicaFancy8,502 followers | Follow
Michael Pierce
I own a Professional Sports Franchise. Don't feel intimidated though, I never think of myself as better than you just because of my Fantasy Football Team.8,174 followers | Follow
Jonathan Sloan
The size of my fist is directly proportional to the object it's holding.7,860 followers | Follow
Ben Brooks
Comic, musician, writer, father & student. I write jokes and non-jokes. If that scares you, don't follow. http://www.witstream.com.7,688 followers | Follow
Champagne Giraffe
Aspiring shitbag. Competitive queefer. Lover of beef jerky. Ridiculously handsome. i grt really drubjk a lot.7,611 followers | Follow
Candy Crisis
I do a really good impersonation of a Fugu fish crashing against a window at high speed.7,495 followers | Follow
Oh No She Twitnt
My mother's Italian, my father's Jewish and I should be in therapy. Yes, I know @AdmiralAkbrown and I have he same shirts in our avi.7,487 followers | Follow
J. Adam Moore
Software developer and the very first humorist on Twitter. My motto: If life were a race, I'd want to beat you to death.7,398 followers | Follow
Doctor Zaius
Just another misanthropic orangutan from the future forced to twitter by court order to learn how 'intelligent' and 'evolved' humans are7,379 followers | Follow
The Night Stalker
Writer, actor, cotton candy vendor, night stalker and killer tomato.6,765 followers | Follow
TinyTittays
Belly button sniffer, I love the word cunt, and I hate the word moist. My safe word is banana split.6,662 followers | Follow
DrunkBastard
I'm neither 'comedian,' 'writer,' nor have a need for sycophancy. I just need some place for the voices in my head to scream.6,427 followers | Follow
ms. diagnosed
Mother, daughter, carnivore, social drunk, shit talker, flirt and procrastinator du jour6,370 followers | Follow
Ryan Drake
Stand-up/improv comedian, host of No Fun Intended on @TheSpyFM, podcaster, improvisor, brother, not a rapper, heroin junkie, s+m freak, mescaline addict.6,268 followers | Follow
Megan Shpettit
I'm Laura Dern's cryface. http://favstar.fm/users/MeganShpettit6,156 followers | Follow
Sean Murray
TV promo guy. Try to do everything in life in 30 seconds or less, much to my wife's disappointment.5,624 followers | Follow
Elif Celet
Genius by birth, evil by nature and human by chance. Hard to get, but worth the effort... See for yourself -- http://favstar.fm/users/elifcello5,377 followers | Follow
Sofiya Alexandra
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://onesheet.com/SofiyaAlexandra4,845 followers | Follow
Courtney Reimer
Editor-in-chief at TLC/Discovery. Views, gaffes, toilet humor my own.4,612 followers | Follow
passive aggressive
The drunken child of apathy and enthusiasm. Now 80% more lifelike!4,563 followers | Follow
Jason Permenter
Designer at @muledesign. Host of America's favorite podcast: Hour of Pour. Married to @rascouet, who is hot.4,368 followers | Follow
randomisms
Apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?4,316 followers | Follow
Jessica Rabbit.
Second account for @JessicaFancy, silly. Now give me a cupcake.4,230 followers | Follow
Chris Velazquez
Screenwriter. Los Angeles. Ever heard of Lawrence Of Arabia? That wasn't me. Also the commissioner of retrobaseball.tumblr.com4,147 followers | Follow
Indefensible
I wouldn't read this. Especially if you know me. The opinions are my own, and the jokes are terrible.4,143 followers | Follow
Clayton Hove
Ad agency creative director. Concept cowboy. Firebrand. Ambiverted. Southpaw. Unrepentant North Dakotan. Brown eyes. Mischievous. Random. Minty. (ENFP)4,105 followers | Follow
Shanna Bologna
I'm creepy, but not that creepy. Ok, I'm that creepy. Ok, I'm that creepy. Monogamous with @theduty.4,098 followers | Follow
This Charming Man
After all these years, my wife still calls me charming. She just says it with more sarcasm and disdain now.3,855 followers | Follow
Kaye Talise
I don't like celery and I dress like a bee. Insomniac. Actress. Mainly working on perfecting the craft of acting sane.3,424 followers | Follow
Victoria Marinelli
A work in fragmentary progress. Feminist, proud mama, writer, Quaker, monogamous bisexual, mistake artist. Puts the 'strange' in estrangement.3,371 followers | Follow
Luke in hellondon
Making orphans and single mothers feel better about their predicament for over 10 years.3,360 followers | Follow
Pantse Macabre
I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs, blown up for Racquel Welch.3,142 followers | Follow
laura f. a. ortega
I like icecream and trailer parks...sometimes both at the same time3,013 followers | Follow
Essex Mortimer Dogg
Father. Husband. Author of The Groom's Instruction Manual. Web nerd. Professional sarcasticater.3,013 followers | Follow
DivorceDadBreaksDown
Recently divorced, dad to the 3 coolest kids, writer, traveler, graphic designer, film buff, gleek, Burning Man burner, seeker of happiness & other answers.2,953 followers | Follow
Jason Phillips
Internet jealousy is measured in precise units, called butthertz.2,908 followers | Follow
angela black
I have freckles. I use them to write words and make magic for the fine folks @carbonmade.2,894 followers | Follow
Erin Margrethe
Expat Californian living in Melbourne since 2006. I'm your friendly neighborhood nail lady.2,756 followers | Follow
Mixmaster L.A. Dawn
Singer. Ukulele plinker. Joke maker. Cheese lover. Laundry avoider. Pastry Chef.2,747 followers | Follow
Jordan Peterson
FavRatio.com creator. Obviously trying too hard. Actor, singer, network architect, web developer.2,694 followers | Follow
Michael Saikin
It's like Johnny Carson rose from the grave, asked me to write terrible jokes for him, then I posted those jokes on Twitter. I work at Futurama.2,657 followers | Follow
*Literally*
Spicy Mexican {Lick at your own risk!} I have been RT'ing the fuck outta people lately... fucking deal with it xo2,633 followers | Follow
John Silver
I'm not doing pushups; I'm shoving the world away. Comedian. Host of Bomb Shelter @AttackDroid & http://www.facebook.com/BombShelterComedy2,616 followers | Follow
Ryan J John
My dad told me, 'You're such a fucking comedian.' So I got a Twitter account because that's apparently what we comedians do.2,525 followers | Follow
Henry Millertime
Shitty novelist. Misfit. Metalwhore. Raised by criminals. Has problems.2,514 followers | Follow
Hero of Bostonia
Bravely overcoming life’s minor speed bumps in the face of mild hypoglycemia. I am the Lance Corporal of my fate.2,368 followers | Follow
The Middle Child
Sarcasm...it's what's for dinner. (And you're lucky you're eating!)2,262 followers | Follow
Sean Hussey
Ruby, Rails, Agile, Husband, Father, Geek, SCUBA. Also, tall. Not in that order. Discuss.2,238 followers | Follow
Liz or Ellie
I probably won't get hired for any classy high-paying job after they find my twitter.2,215 followers | Follow
Rowan Pettett
I thought I was marching to the beat of a different drum, but apparently it was just the guy next door having a gunfight with the cops.2,191 followers | Follow
Thomas Towell
Lactose intolerance survivor. I contribute to WitStream.com and @TheFakeCNN.2,166 followers | Follow
Tennie Anywon
A little Tweetin', a little convo. I'm very social,cheerful,loving. I love dark chocolate, sex, Buffaloes,Cowboys...Like to have fun & make new friends!2,120 followers | Follow
amoir / Amy Gray
Writer. Enjoys butter on a more sophisticated level than you. I dream of giant squid sashimi and sentient gyoza. I wake frightened. And just a little hungry.2,074 followers | Follow
Dave Gorum
I am the creative director slash co-founder at @carbonmade. I talk nonsense on a podcast called Dinobrain. Quip, quip, wit.2,032 followers | Follow
Drew (Not a Guy) H
...and then before I knew it I had awesome all over me. I'm never going to get this out.1,993 followers | Follow
Steven Bonisteel
Internet idiot savant (but without the 'savant' part). LEGAL DISCLAIMER: My avatar shows *none* of my gray hairs.1,963 followers | Follow
Adriana's Words
My goal in life is to be a hot female comic character and kick lame ass.1,931 followers | Follow
mikemorrow
Don't take any of this seriously. Opinions expressed do not necessarily represent those of management. Tell it to the judge. Be careful out there.1,899 followers | Follow
Emily, Your Queen
Zooey Deschanel and Lindsay Lohan's lovechild. I love sparkles, hearts, happiness and vodka.1,886 followers | Follow
Richard M. Stabone
Mikey's best bud. I like to hit on his sistah and eat the food in his family's fridge. They call me Boner.1,611 followers | Follow
Mike Minnick
Slow in the brain, fast on my feet! I also work for Carbonmade and tweet for them here: @carbonmade!!1,591 followers | Follow
Pamdoleezza Rice
My hair is red. I'm unbelievably awesome. If these restraining orders have taught me anything, it's that I'm a terrible stalker. iloveme42084@gmail.com1,552 followers | Follow
Terry Bain
Author of YOU ARE A DOG http://j.mp/youareadog & WE ARE THE CAT http://j.mp/wearethecat1,532 followers | Follow
Mrs Joshua Homme
South African living in the UK, but looking for my own island. I love rock music. And cake. And whisky. And vodka. And Nutella.1,525 followers | Follow
The Other Me
These are the thoughts I want to share, but don't want people to know I have. Probably mostly about masturbation or pooping.1,473 followers | Follow
Indé Fjölnir
And now i'll close my eyes really, really tight and make you all go away.1,462 followers | Follow
Non Sequiturific
1,376 followers | Follow
Meghan Machete
Most of my anxiety is caused by Zombies. I make tuxedos for my cat when I can't sleep. It's always Christmas in my vagina.1,300 followers | Follow
Vicky_Greece
All I ever asked was an easy life, a good job, lots of money, a hot boyfriend, beauty, brightness, glory, a private jet, a private island...1,230 followers | Follow
fluffy little clouds
I'm like a superhero, but without any special abilities or any real motivation to save the world.1,220 followers | Follow
Stuff My GF Says
Stuff My Girlfriend Says: The blatherings of my girlfriend the mouthy expat.1,148 followers | Follow
Emily Sinclair
Writer, mother, partner, punctuator. Stories & essays in Colorado Review, The Normal School, Third Coast, Stories on Stage & elsewhere. Warren Wilson MFA.1,094 followers | Follow
Malted Titty Shakes
22, Italian, 99% jaw, shitty joke spinner, destroyer of worlds, Nam Vet. Hey guys.1,063 followers | Follow
Jayne Dough
I've got milk squirting out of my tits, babies falling out of my vagina and kids wiping their noses on me. It's a charmed life.941 followers | Follow
CrudeUntimely
appears appropriate and reserved on the outside, raging inappropriateness on the inside.927 followers | Follow
Mrs. Pixie
Dragon diva, mischievous miscreant, and snarky space-cadet. I was once referred to as Maleficent. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up.691 followers | Follow
Mark Danielson
The butterfly of happiness flew by my window today. I waved and waved.689 followers | Follow
Fiore Delicato
Nice girl trapped in sarcastic woman's body. Mother of grown male lovechild. Writer of limericks. Soulmate of Too Cool. User of fancy words.660 followers | Follow
Miss Chris
648 followers | Follow
dr. casey hall
designer, developer, illustrator, confectioner, writer, filmmaker. ideaographer. one man internet.640 followers | Follow
Dusty Von Swears
Editor, creator, pretend candlestick maker. If your sensibilities are tender, I'm probably not your cup of tea.611 followers | Follow
Arm_and Ja_La
Name: Ja_La, Eyes: 2, Hair Color: Flesh, Weight: Metric, Height: Your Mom, Blood Pressure: High, Status: Tweeting584 followers | Follow
Stuck Fick
I don't do SEO or marketing or claim to be an expert or guru in any way. I'm just a fuckstick.578 followers | Follow
Geekliciously Tacky
Scribbler. Doodler. Anglophile. Socially inept. Sharpie addict. Music lover. All-around weirdo. Sinnin' is how I'm livin'.501 followers | Follow
QueenSarah2062
Music teacher, organist superhero, grad student, mom of Peace Corps volunteer and college student. Need humor for survival.453 followers | Follow
Reverend Kidphonic
The Good Reverend Kidphonic currently trapped in a nightmare known as beauty school.422 followers | Follow
Sloan Magnificent
Infomercial writer and actor. 7/11 executive chef. And Adele's personal dietician. Pretty much an asian mom's dream-child.394 followers | Follow
Harry Nipples
You'd think it would be easy to come up with one line without sounding crazy or full of myself.371 followers | Follow
Natalia Burke
Trying to keep a grasp on my mind and soul while in law school. It's a surprisingly hard task.368 followers | Follow
Sassy Girl
Lover of music, movies, reading and my puppies. Oh, and I eat, breathe & sleep football. Like a boy. But not.366 followers | Follow
Travis Wayne Gacy
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. George Bernard Shaw339 followers | Follow
John the Junior
Partaking in the miracle of flight. Involuntarily born again as a duck.284 followers | Follow
Samantha Mantakoun
Hmm.. me in a nutshell? Yep! that's where i belong: inside a nutshell.129 followers | Follow
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