Funnies
Steve Martin
I am Steve Martin, the actor, writer, comedian, and musician.In banjo touring world until September 1st. Check Stevemartin.com for tour dates.2,706,124 followers | Follow
Jason Sweeney
limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.1,145,656 followers | Follow
Michele Catalano
I write about hockey (and other sports) here: http://americanmccarver.com Long Island. Freelance writer looking for work.938,649 followers | Follow
Elizabeth Windsor
Diamond Jubilee Queen. One's new book is out now in paperback as a special Diamond Jubilee edition: http://amzn.to/J7EeEa (fictional)704,570 followers | Follow
Tim Siedell
Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.589,301 followers | Follow
kelly oxford
Writer. Designed to make you feel like everything is going well. I am your Perestroika.353,259 followers | Follow
Fake AP Stylebook
Style tips for proper writing. contact: fakeapstylebook at gmail dot com. No submissions, please. All material copyright The Bureau Chiefs, LLC.287,132 followers | Follow
Albert Brooks
Filmmaker, actor, author Albert Brooks. Originally joined Twitter to promote my book. Now trapped. Can't get out. Help. http://amzn.to/gUl6Fb282,371 followers | Follow
Andy Richter
actor/writer from Midwestern U.S., married to Sarah Thyre, father of two264,449 followers | Follow
Andy Borowitz
There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.246,191 followers | Follow
Alison Agosti
Writer. From that boring, middle-class upbringing that everyone has been talking about.230,819 followers | Follow
Jenny Johnson
Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. http://www.witstream.com/#jenny_johnson209,233 followers | Follow
Gilbert Gottfried
Mr. Gottfried served 8 years in prison for beating up an Eskimo.173,533 followers | Follow
DRUNK HULK
REMEMBER! WHEN YOU LOOK BACK AND SEE ONE FOOTPRINTS! YOU KNOW THAT WHEN DRUNK HULK CARRY YOU! WWW.DRUNKHULK.COM!158,963 followers | Follow
BP Public Relations
This page exists to get BP's message and mission statement out into the twitterverse!155,252 followers | Follow
Neal Brennan
Co-creator Chappelle's Show. Director of The Goods. Comedian. Hero. Victim.138,499 followers | Follow
KimJongNumberUn
I used to be an unemployed twentysomething still living at home. Now I have nuclear weapons. It's all good, yo.121,502 followers | Follow
Faux John Madden
When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to. (Clearly a parody account, created by @brentb1984)118,125 followers | Follow
Very Short Story
Twitter sized fiction. Stories by @sean_hill. Send me a noun and I'll use the ones that inspire me in a story. Get the book http://amzn.to/VeryShortStories110,121 followers | Follow
ProSexTips
I'll help you get laid, be good in bed, and escape afterward. http://www.funnyordie.com/prosextips70,570 followers | Follow
Jelisa Castrodale
Writer for NBCSports.com, one-time Jeopardy! winner, over-caffeinated marathoner. I smell like pears.64,642 followers | Follow
Ruth Bourdain
Comfort me with offal. Mashing up the tweets of Ruth Reichl with the mind of Anthony Bourdain. This is a parody. Email: ruthbourdain@gmail.com.54,894 followers | Follow
FEMINIST HULK
HULK SAYS FUCK PATRIARCHY. HULK HERE TO SMASH GENDER BINARY.53,645 followers | Follow
Justin Stangel
My name is Justin Stangel. I am the head writer/executive producer of Late Show with David Letterman. I enjoy wearing hats51,019 followers | Follow
James Malach
Lactated irreverence milked from the caffeine-addled brain udders of a web development monkey.48,849 followers | Follow
Queen's English 50c
A translation service for English-speaking 50cent fans.44,934 followers | Follow
Jocelyn Plums
Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! http://FilthyRichmond.com40,039 followers | Follow
Lucky Shirt
Creator, writer, director, and producer of descriptions of myself.37,273 followers | Follow
CHEETAH POW CHICKEN
I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am. Witstream contributor, dwarf tosser and matchstick flicker.32,761 followers | Follow
Mike Monteiro
This is a personal account and does not reflect the opinions of my boss, who is an asshole.30,374 followers | Follow
Molly McAleer
writer for 2 broke girls & co-founder of hellogiggles.com, queen. my birthday is two days after elvis'.29,918 followers | Follow
Luke & Darth Vader
I'm a Jedi. I live with my dad in a galaxy far, far away. He's a Sith Lord. I just write down shit that he says. (Sporadically updated by @alexblagg.)29,348 followers | Follow
Julia Segal
Writer for TV and Nutella Connoisseur. http://amzn.com/081187760429,040 followers | Follow
Miss Fuckalicious
Swearing on Twitter is my anti-drug. Come for the cuteness, stay for the rage. I say FUCK! a lot.24,689 followers | Follow
Shari Vanderwerf
Stand-up comedian/writer. My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.19,721 followers | Follow
David R Jennings
David is owner of Bauart Creative Services, a provider of print, broadcast, web design, e-media and photography. Sometimes he's funny.15,818 followers | Follow
Santa Claus
I deliver 2 billion presents in one night to a bunch of shithead kids. I'm having a beer.15,572 followers | Follow
Rex Huppke
A guy who writes stuff for money. Huge fan of hypocrisy. Also available on http://www.witstream.com.14,508 followers | Follow
Erin Gibson
Comedian, feminist, jerk, nail polish enthusiast. Writer at Funny or Die. Co-Host of Throwing Shade Podcast. www.throwingshade.com12,082 followers | Follow
who cupped my boobs?
My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.11,306 followers | Follow
Emmerson McGinnis
Slutwaffle. Writer for hire. Rumored Ninja. Irish-American binge drinker with enough rage to fuel her fire & liquor to ignite her desires10,787 followers | Follow
Brian Soto
Writer, semi-retired amateur lawn dart player. Will sleep for food.10,530 followers | Follow
Top Conservative Cat
I was never a Reagan Democrat-- I've always been a Colbert Conservative. (formerly @theTCAT)10,210 followers | Follow
Adam Isacson
I work at the Washington Office on Latin America (my views here, not theirs). Work-related stuff at @adam_wola.9,949 followers | Follow
Avery Edison
Writer and comedian. No relation to the lightbulb guy. Used to be really good at math. a@averyedison.com9,294 followers | Follow
Robert the Brave
Your Mom's boyfriend. Eventually I'll offend you. http://favstar.fm/users/NowAPisces http://beeftongue.tumblr.com/post/235380403/us9,087 followers | Follow
missdaisyfrost
London lit agent and general mischief maker around town. www.missdaisyfrost.com8,852 followers | Follow
Michael Pierce
I own a Professional Sports Franchise. Don't feel intimidated though, I never think of myself as better than you just because of my Fantasy Football Team.8,174 followers | Follow
Jonathan Sloan
The size of my fist is directly proportional to the object it's holding.7,853 followers | Follow
Ben Brooks
Comic, musician, writer, father & student. I write jokes and non-jokes. If that scares you, don't follow. http://www.witstream.com.7,692 followers | Follow
J. Adam Moore
Software developer and the very first humorist on Twitter. My motto: If life were a race, I'd want to beat you to death.7,402 followers | Follow
Doctor Zaius
Just another misanthropic orangutan from the future forced to twitter by court order to learn how 'intelligent' and 'evolved' humans are7,375 followers | Follow
The Night Stalker
Writer, actor, cotton candy vendor, night stalker and killer tomato.6,759 followers | Follow
Susan Burke
I do comedy stuff and dramedy stuff too. I like myths. Go to thatsusanburke.com to learn how awesome helps make life nice.6,502 followers | Follow
ms. diagnosed
Mother, daughter, carnivore, social drunk, shit talker, flirt and procrastinator du jour6,374 followers | Follow
Ryan Drake
Stand-up/improv comedian, host of No Fun Intended on @TheSpyFM, podcaster, improvisor, brother, not a rapper, heroin junkie, s+m freak, mescaline addict.6,266 followers | Follow
North Korea
Entirely Official Mouthpiece of the Glorious DPRK. Occasional and judicious user of UPPER CASE EMPHASIS.6,163 followers | Follow
Megan Shpettit
I'm Laura Dern's cryface. http://favstar.fm/users/MeganShpettit6,150 followers | Follow
TheseLipsSinkShips
Writer of books. Butcherer of tweets. Salter of slugs. ~ Cunt ~ @CancerIsAwesome IsMyFavPrettyPrincess5,941 followers | Follow
Chris Angel
Recording artist. Singer/Songwriter. Eater of Skittles. My wife married an idiot. My name is Chris. http://ChrisAngelMusic.com5,507 followers | Follow
Quinn Katherman
Writer. Multi-Tasking Phenomenon. Hot Mess. Ninja Unicorn. http://www.witstream.com/#quinn_katherman4,898 followers | Follow
alyssa k-diggles
Former high school valedictorian, beauty queen and Olympic athlete. I'M KIDDING NONE OF THIS IS TRUE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!4,857 followers | Follow
Steffani Cameron
Long-time ass-kicker, newly relocated to Victoria, BC, & Vancouver-born. Writer, wise-ass, smutteur, photog, & hobby chef: all here, FREE! Limited time offer.4,745 followers | Follow
Sofiya Alexandra
Comedian, writer, eater, defecator. http://onesheet.com/SofiyaAlexandra4,740 followers | Follow
Nibbles Spalanzani
The monk said: Why not kill yourself? The Master said: No place to start.4,670 followers | Follow
Courtney Reimer
Editor-in-chief at TLC/Discovery. Views, gaffes, toilet humor my own.4,608 followers | Follow
passive aggressive
The drunken child of apathy and enthusiasm. Now 80% more lifelike!4,555 followers | Follow
Jeff Kelley
I eat a ton of chicken, like inhumane amounts. I think aircraft carriers are neat and I appreciate a good shirt tuck-in. Writer and communications person.4,512 followers | Follow
Indefensible
I wouldn't read this. Especially if you know me. The opinions are my own, and the jokes are terrible.4,143 followers | Follow
Chris Velazquez
Screenwriter. Los Angeles. Ever heard of Lawrence Of Arabia? That wasn't me. Also the commissioner of retrobaseball.tumblr.com4,141 followers | Follow
Clayton Hove
Ad agency creative director. Concept cowboy. Firebrand. Ambiverted. Southpaw. Unrepentant North Dakotan. Brown eyes. Mischievous. Random. Minty. (ENFP)4,100 followers | Follow
Gangbang Excalibur
A joke about how small my town is. Minor biographic details. Witty quote from dead philosopher. A favorite movie. A favorite book. Three favorite bands. Finish.4,098 followers | Follow
Katie Rose
People who engage in clever wordplay are a pungus on our society. I am a 22-year-old Frosted Mini-Wheats enthusiast.4,025 followers | Follow
Brian Bolter
A familiar mug who is nonetheless a mystery. - The Washington Post3,668 followers | Follow
♚ Lord Likely ♚
Aristocratic adventurer, gentle-man of action, lover of ladies.3,611 followers | Follow
Kaye Talise
I don't like celery and I dress like a bee. Insomniac. Actress. Mainly working on perfecting the craft of acting sane.3,428 followers | Follow
Victoria Marinelli
A work in fragmentary progress. Feminist, proud mama, writer, Quaker, monogamous bisexual, mistake artist. Puts the 'strange' in estrangement.3,372 followers | Follow
Luke in hellondon
Making orphans and single mothers feel better about their predicament for over 10 years.3,359 followers | Follow
Pantse Macabre
I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs, blown up for Racquel Welch.3,142 followers | Follow
Essex Mortimer Dogg
Father. Husband. Author of The Groom's Instruction Manual. Web nerd. Professional sarcasticater.3,012 followers | Follow
Tess Rafferty
Ex- writer for the Soup. Stand up comic. I drink and have opinions. Let's see what happens.3,005 followers | Follow
angela black
I have freckles. I use them to write words and make magic for the fine folks @carbonmade.2,893 followers | Follow
Callie Kimball
I write plays. I work for a TV network. I want to be the girl with the most cake.2,859 followers | Follow
Mikey ADHD
I AM MIKEY AND I AM 7 AND I CAN DRAW A HORSE BUT NOT WITH LEGS BECAUSE HE IS ON A SKATEBOARD.2,779 followers | Follow
Mixmaster L.A. Dawn
Singer. Ukulele plinker. Joke maker. Cheese lover. Laundry avoider. Pastry Chef.2,748 followers | Follow
Bryan Choate
As a boorish gentleman of wit & learning, known to jape & jest at the expense of others, I wear only the finest doublets & waistcoats. Also, I enjoy ice cream.2,673 followers | Follow
David Leibowitz
Trying to decide on a bio. Right now, I'm partial to Abraham Lincoln's.2,656 followers | Follow
John Silver
I'm not doing pushups; I'm shoving the world away. Comedian. Host of Bomb Shelter @AttackDroid & http://www.facebook.com/BombShelterComedy2,618 followers | Follow
ThatBitchKae
My naked body has proven to be an excellent opposite sex repellent.2,587 followers | Follow
Jane Asher
Fan Parody-60's U-verse British Actress,Flame-coloured hair, Avid reader, Wine lover, writer, world traveler, Cake Maker, Beatles lover, Paul Mc's first gal-pal2,501 followers | Follow
Jon Winokur
Cranky quotes from the author of The Portable Curmudgeon (Plume) and Encyclopedia Neurotica (St. Martin's).2,357 followers | Follow
Some Crazy Chick
a little crazy a little lovely a little goofy a little wild a little nerdy2,353 followers | Follow
Sarah Watson
I write for Parenthood. I have no kids. People think that's weird. I used to write for The Middleman. I wasn't a superhero. Nobody thought that was weird.2,279 followers | Follow
Alison Forns
stand-up comic/ contributing writer for Weekend Update/ lover of wild souls2,051 followers | Follow
Octopus Rock
I met Bill Murray once. http://www.youtube.com/user/RetiredboyAstronaut?feature=mhee2,037 followers | Follow
CharlesNelsonReilly
Twittering all things Charles Nelson Reilly. Maintained by friends of CNR who made the film THE LIFE OF REILLY1,989 followers | Follow
Steven Bonisteel
Internet idiot savant (but without the 'savant' part). LEGAL DISCLAIMER: My avatar shows *none* of my gray hairs.1,959 followers | Follow
Sommer Browning
When I die, I want my ashes scattered along the As Seen On TV aisle in Rite-Aid.1,932 followers | Follow
Not Martin Sorrell
I lead. I do not follow. I run things. If you're lucky, I'll buy you.1,874 followers | Follow
Richard M. Stabone
Mikey's best bud. I like to hit on his sistah and eat the food in his family's fridge. They call me Boner.1,610 followers | Follow
Terry Bain
Author of YOU ARE A DOG http://j.mp/youareadog & WE ARE THE CAT http://j.mp/wearethecat1,530 followers | Follow
Mrs Joshua Homme
South African living in the UK, but looking for my own island. I love rock music. And cake. And whisky. And vodka. And Nutella.1,525 followers | Follow
Indé Fjölnir
And now i'll close my eyes really, really tight and make you all go away.1,464 followers | Follow
Non Sequiturific
1,378 followers | Follow
bee chelse
1,327 followers | Follow
The Ice Queen
If u believe any of the shit i write on here, then you're more stupid than you look....1,326 followers | Follow
Dan Rollman
Co-Founder/President of @RecordSetter. Creator of the @SabbathManifest. Top Canadian at 1995 World #Pinball Championships. Loves #food, #music, #travel, #film.1,237 followers | Follow
Chris Parry
Assistant Digital Editor, Vancouver Sun. Member of the new PNG Online Revenue SWAT team. My ♕ captures your ♘.1,187 followers | Follow
Steve Burgess
Writer/broadcaster/author of Who Killed Mom? from Greystone Books.1,175 followers | Follow
A. Shankle-Knowlton
QA at software company (@StatSoft), plus a lucky wife and mom1,170 followers | Follow
Emily Sinclair
Writer, mother, partner, punctuator. Stories & essays in Colorado Review, The Normal School, Third Coast, Stories on Stage & elsewhere. Warren Wilson MFA.1,095 followers | Follow
DaveMcGimpsey
Montreal writer. Author of Sitcom and Li'l Bastard. Columnist for EnRoute and Matrix magazines. NY Giants fan.939 followers | Follow
Cookie Monster
Me a monster primarily focused on cookies. And pop culture. Also me like cookies in pop culture.875 followers | Follow
Andy Watson
I am amazed that we are expected to put a bio about ourselves in a limited number of characters. Should we be limited like this? Anyway, about me. I am. Damn868 followers | Follow
almostfancy nancy
Cynical mom, surreptitiously documenting annoying behavior and joking about it here. I make stuff and sell it at www.zazzle.com/hurtywords806 followers | Follow
laundromat voyeur
i live across from a 24 hour laundromat. here, i post things that i see.761 followers | Follow
Aaron L. M. Goodwin
Geek working in Education and Technology. Trying to be funny and failing...with hilarious consequences!735 followers | Follow
Mrs. Pixie
Dragon diva, mischievous miscreant, and snarky space-cadet. I was once referred to as Maleficent. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up.692 followers | Follow
nyccabgirl
Just a girl riding a NYC taxi cab somewhere in Manhattan. Warning: I can be a snarky bitch.687 followers | Follow
Book News Daily
The hottest, most up-to-date and vitally important FAKE publishing industry news.670 followers | Follow
Michelle Brandfass
the life of a comedian: not much of a future, but a hell of a past650 followers | Follow
I'm so street.
606 followers | Follow
Stuck Fick
I don't do SEO or marketing or claim to be an expert or guru in any way. I'm just a fuckstick.577 followers | Follow
Sonia Diamond
Normal but with bipolar. I don't like boring people, so don't follow.556 followers | Follow
James P. Burke
PhD student offering skewed sense of humor, daily travails, occasional URL, infrequent insights. Interests: Cooking, friends, Math/Science Ed, SecHumanism.540 followers | Follow
QueenSarah2062
Music teacher, organist superhero, grad student, mom of Peace Corps volunteer and college student. Need humor for survival.452 followers | Follow
Brazilla George
451 followers | Follow
Jim McCormick
What's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper havin' a seizure on your boat?430 followers | Follow
Mike Black
The three parts of Mike Black are The Pledge, The Turn and The Prestige.428 followers | Follow
Jennifer SciFi
Crazy Cat! | therealjenscifi at yahoo dot com | skype me jen.sci.fi412 followers | Follow
Michelle Bachmann
The other one - not the Minnesotan running for very right wing (nut) president.315 followers | Follow
Dan Manchester
I write, I edit, I publish, I read, I code, I shill. Sometimes I dance.283 followers | Follow
cachanchan
Helpless sexoholic and hopeless romantic. Please enjoy the hilarity of my madness.273 followers | Follow
icandyapple
disney pixar (connected) friends fun etsy hobbies make-up handmade jewelry. yes i sometimes give away pixar goodies.249 followers | Follow
Elvis Aron Presley
189 followers | Follow
Styajit Mjumdar
153 followers | Follow
George Washingtron
I am a 12 ft tall George WashingTron built from pipe cleaners and '93 Ford Escort parts.110 followers | Follow
Applecheeks
Work in local government (finance); love books, my dog, my husband, and Prevuze. Not necessarily in that order.103 followers | Follow
Elizabeth Bennet
Trained by Master Liu, and by the finest dancing instructors in Hertfordshire, I believe that a woman can possess both a fierce crossbow and a felicitous caper.95 followers | Follow
Maegan Bragg
My stage fright and lack of talent are the only things keeping me from fame and fortune.90 followers | Follow
Gulf Coast Gal
73 followers | Follow
